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wishes and dreams

I want to eat what I like
I want a drink when my long day is through
I don’t want to gain any weight
I want to look just the same as I do

I want to play in my garden
I want to watch “too much” tv
I want to fool with my computer
I never want to run out of money

I want to help with our planet
I want others to help with it too
I don’t want our kids to be poisoned
by the careless things that we do

I don’t want my parents to die
but I want to be brave if I must
I don’t want to worry about so many things
but try as I might, it’s a bust.

So these are my hopes and my dreams
And I don’t think my list is that awful
My dreams run me crazy but I don’t really mind
’cause at least what I love is still LAWFUL.

Flying Our Flag….

I fly the flag because I CAN
I am grateful to be free.
I fly the flag because my dad
fought for my liberty

I fly the flag to show I care.
I remember what that means.
I feel so blessed that I can show
our country ‘never leans’.

Our fathers and our uncles fought
so we could fly this flag.
We have the right; we have the job
to never let this lag.

So please remember everyday
to fly our flag with pride.
We owe it to the ones who fought.
And to the ones who died.

whose fault is this??

do you ignore your phone when it rings?

I realized about 30 years ago that just because the phone rang, I did not have to answer it. people visiting me were appalled. I felt justified. I paid for the thing, if I had nobody I particularly needed, why should I interrupt whatever I was doing, to answer the phone? it was a blessing. it gave me time. I loved the lesson.

remember when car phones made the scene? I saw my first one when my mom and I had broken down on a highway. a limo pulled over. the rear window ‘slid’ down and a wonderfully dressed man asked if we needed help. he had a phone in his hand, connected to something in the car. he was kind enough to call someone for us. he offered to stay but it was obvious he had somewhere else to be. we were grateful.

as the limo pulled back onto the highway my mom commented on how nice that was. then, she turned to me and said “did you see he had his own phone in that car?” we were both agog. it was 1970.

years later I decided I needed to have a car phone. my job was taking more and more time from me and I was living with a pager. I had also taken a bit of flack from 2 male friends. I had been en-route to a ski area, alone, and took a road less traveled. as I topped a hill, my car got stuck. snow slide. HUGE snow slide. I was in the middle of nowhere. as an ex flight attendant, I began to assess the very real possibility of sleeping in my car. the sun was starting to fade.

my biggest fear was a mountain lion. I knew I’d have to keep my windows closed and wondered if I would get too much stale air. I opened my trunk, got out my BIG swiss army knife ( the emergency one) and extra sweaters, hats and socks. I knew it would get really cold. then, I thought about the possibility of a fire. I assumed someone would be on fire-watch and maybe report the smoke. I got matches and some cotton things that I knew would burn and smoke. then I started looking for kindling. I thought I would build a fire in the center of the dirt road. I would also have snow handy in case it started to get out of hand. I opened the hood of my car, to show distress and wrote a note, saying I was stranded and had gone to find firewood.

I felt pretty empowered. I felt I could take care of myself until I could either dig out or someone found me. at least that was my plan. I was meeting a friend up in the ski area. he knew I was never late so I assumed that would also help. the only bad part was I had taken all of these little dirt roads instead of paved. I was really off the map.

I was returning with my 2nd load of wood when a big pickup came up the hill. god, I was so relieved. a man got out, asked if I was ok. as soon as I said yes, he began cleaning my clock for being in such a remote area, by myself in the winter in a dinky little toyota. his wife got out, chiding him for yelling at me. she explained that they had 3 daughters and he was just being ‘a dad’. I was on the verge of tears. I knew I would live and I knew he was right. I felt the emotion I had surpressed starting to surface. I was about 42 and that was a dumb thing to do in the winter. he had a truck built for such things. he hooked a cable to me and pulled me clear. he told me that the road was ‘down’ the rest of the way and I should be fine.

I reloaded my car. I had not been mauled by a mountain lion. I was safe. I was also about 3 hours late. as I got toward the ski area, my friend passed me on the road. he immediately turned around. we stopped. he asked what had happened. I explained. then HE yelled at me.

blabbermouth that he was, soon everyone knew what I had done. it was agreed: I had to get a car phone. I told my boss. he agreed. he was thrilled that I would be easier to reach. he would even pay for it. super.

when I told my boyfriend (who had a car phone) that I was getting one installed, he told me that once I got used to it, I’d wonder how I had lived so long without it. he was right. I was on that phone all the time. such a time-saver. now, I could do things while I was headed to do something else. now, my secretary could catch up with me before I headed in the wrong direction. nirvana.

(I need to digress: for one thing, the phone would not have worked where I was stuck. no cells. too remote. for another thing, we didn’t all know 20 years ago how dangerous it is to use a phone while you are driving. I learned that lesson later.)

now, we all carry a phone with us.

when I was flying, we started training to fly Hong Kong. we were told to accept the fact that the Chinese would all have personal phones. don’t even bother trying to ask them to turn them off. they live on those phones. it was an absolute fact.

many of us are getting rid of our house phones. I admit that I have mine only for emergencies, when a land-line is necessary but it irks me to pay the outrageous fee. I never answer it. never. I use my cell. so, now I have 2 phones. annoying but I put myself here.

trying to be certain you can reach people the minute you need to is a double-edged sword. now, people can reach YOU. I no longer use the phone when I’m driving. I now ‘duck’ the cell phone as often as I used to duck the house phone. between e-mail (which downloads onto my phone) and people knowing exactly how to reach me, I’ve gotten in over my head. what I had once considered a luxury has become a necessity and a nuisance.

I blame that guy in the limo.

you just never know…

where I live, we have noticed a ‘rogue’ doe. she is simply a meanie. she runs at small dogs, she snorts, she postures. in other words, she doesn’t do what we want her to do. she is aggressive.

she has a dark snout. she is always alone, as if ostracized by the herds. she’s a bitch. honestly.

I did some reading and learned that some does simply cannot deliver babies. that makes sense. some women cannot.

I found a stillborn bambi on my land a few years ago. it broke my heart. a perfect little bambi that never had life for some reason. it laid on my back hill for a day or two until our daughter was leaving and I could get it removed before she returned. nature happens this way.

in my reading, I learned that when a doe cannot carry her bambi to term, she goes into a sort of post-partum depression. she goes nuts. when we think of how estrogen hits women, we have to acknowledge that it probably hits animal women in much the same manner. in any case, I suddenly thought of this ‘rogue’ doe.  I found it more interesting to see that she had that darned dark snout. almost like the dark cowboy hat in the old movies. the black hat guys were always the worst. it took me a while to realize how dark her snout is. I had just disliked her for being so mean. I didn’t recognize the ‘dark’ part until later.

now, I look at her differently. if she cannot carry, she is shunned by the bucks. she is already shunned by the does because she has no young. I feel sorry for the lady, the doe, the female, the woman. I do.

she is always alone. who wouldnt’ be bitchy by now? it’s been 3 years. she is still alone. it hurts my heart. I don’t think people are born mean. I think we are all created.

I have known some really mean women in my day. men too, but I identify better with females.

my education has taught me that people ‘become’ a certain way because of life experience. when you meet a person who is just an a**hole, you have to acknowledge that they had some rough going at some point and now prefer to keep everyone at a distance. so, they become mean, rather than allow themselves to be hurt again.

maybe it’s pollyanna, but it’s the way I think. so,  I look at this doe. my heart breaks for her. I keep thinking of that little bambi on my land and wonder if she lost that baby. sometimes nature makes a decision not to allow young to certain animals. maybe she has a genetic fault somewhere along the line. maybe she had more than one stillbirth. maybe I’m just dreaming and she hasn’t had any. she’s just a damned bitch. god knows, we have a world full of those. but. I wonder.

that wonder makes me want to give her some slack. I know she’s aggressive. I know she is mean. I have no clue as to why. I imagine she will die younger than most because she is so ‘alone’. but, hell. I’ve been wrong before.

it just made me think of so many really icky women I’ve met over the years. bitches. no doubt. horrible people.

bit by bit, I’ve learned a little more about them than intended. they are this way for a reason.

so is the doe.

kids having kids

I wrote the other day (is there really safety in numbers or does that just mean you might get missed?) about a new ‘covey’ of quail, or partridge. it surprised me to see them this late in the year. what I did not fully flesh, was the adolescence of the parents. I was aware that they appeared ‘young’. the headdress was really small, and so were the birds. but, they had about 20 babies.

I saw them today. 3 babies. that’s all. a jolt, absolutely.

it made me think of  ‘kids having kids’. our society is dealing with that in growing numbers.

in the wild, I wonder how the wiser quail would teach the newbies. I wonder if they tell them they don’t understand the responsibility.

I think the newbies just learned. the hard way.

just because your bodies are capable of birthing and creating life, doesn’t mean you are ready.

these two ‘parents’ are now huddled around their 3 precious young constantly. that was what caught my attention today. instead of one being high and the other being ‘with’, they are both on the ground, watching, wary, older. they get it now. I believe they really get it.

I’m almost afraid to look out the window over the next few days. too young is just too young. sometimes it’s hard to teach with anything but consequence.

looking inside

I used to be considered ‘beautiful’. this was an appearance opinion. I was lucky. I had good genes. I did absolutely nothing to earn ‘beautiful’ and was chagrinned when people would tell me I was.

I learned that as ‘beautiful’  I got a few extras. I was always uncomfy with that. you should not get better things or feelings, based on your looks. I just was embarrassed by that.

almost as a tribute to being beautiful, I became a flight attendant for Eastern Airlines.  I knew I was hired for my looks. I felt I was also hired for my brains. the brains part came into play when it mattered. the looks were always there. I had to come to terms with my appearance. Eastern had a tendency to hire ‘classy’ people. all airlines had their formula. this was the Eastern formula: classy. I knew I was that as well. that part, I had earned. the brain part I had earned. I was just a little uncomfy with the ‘looks’ part.

now, I’m an older lady. pudgy. bad knees. back back. brain injured. constant glasses. I am different.

I know the difference daily. it hunts me down and shows itself in a million ways. I know it. what is difficult is how I am now perceived. I have a ‘dumb’ stamp on my forehead that I cannot see but most of the world does. I am no longer considered ‘viable’. that’s very odd for me. everything I was, I no longer am.

it’s all about appearance.

I am afraid of rats. I’ve seen my share. as a flight attendant, I’m sorry to say, we saw rats. icky. scary. I don’t have a reason to be afraid. I know they are afraid of us. but, something about that ‘tail’ and the muscular look. and they ‘skitter’. too fast. I’m a weenie about rats.

I live in a wonderful place. I have a little of everything. sometimes I have to turn away, letting nature take it’s course because nature is needed.

one of my very favorite critters is the chipmonk. they are absolutely adorable. I always think of ‘chip n dale’. they hurry along my sidewalks. they have little dens all over my rock walls. they are ADORABLE.

to my dismay, I found one dead in a bucket of water one day. it broke my heart. it was underwater. I discerned it had been trying to drink and fell in. I hated it.

I got a ‘tool’ and retrieved the body. made me so sad. it was so cute. I had caused it’s demise. as I lifted it out of the water, the body shape of it’s dry being, was washed away. I held in my hand (implement) a rat. I looked at a little fluffy body that no longer had ‘fluff’. the water left it, everything went close to the body. I had a long icky tail, a muscular body and open eyes. I almost dropped it. I was thrown for a loop.

in it’s element, I saw it as adorable. in the water, I saw a rat. a dreaded rat.

I have never forgotten that day. I no longer let buckets sit, filled with water. I watch the chipmunks and love them still but I never forget that in reality, they are rats, just cuter with all the fuzzy fur.

how many of us have missed this lesson? how many times were we told not to judge a book by it’s cover? I prided myself on not doing that but again nature taught me how preoccupied I was with appearance. the chipmonk, as long as it is dry, is adorable. the rat is always scary. but, give the rat some fluffy fur and what would we think? or, take the fluffy fur from the chipmonk and start again. different.

we need to learn not to look at the outside of things, people, places. look at the soul. the soul is always beautiful. the outside, maybe not so much. but, most important is giving everything a chance to show it’s beauty and it’s ugliness. I say that last part because some things and some people ARE ugly. they cannot help but be so. and, it’s all in our eye. we can make it whatever we choose.

Which moment are we supposed to ‘live’ in?

I finally went to bed at 1 this morning. I slept fitfully, typical of late. Got up at 7. Tired but started the caffeine IV to manage the basics. I went across the road to water plants for a neighbor who is away, got their trashcan out, came home, filled birdbaths, and came inside. That is where I lost 4 hours. I cannot find them anywhere. How does this happen?

I know the start of it was ‘I need to unload the dishwasher’. I went into the kitchen and realized I also needed to wash the cat food dish. When I picked up a clean dish to put in place, I saw the humming bird food container that I emptied yesterday (gallon jar, every week–they are HUNGRY) and remembered I need to make hummingbird food too. I started the water and the sugar.

Saw a doe with her 2 babies. Love that. I went to the window to watch. This is the best time of day to get pictures because later when they are all in my lower yard, the sun is facing me so I cannot get shots. I reach for my cell phone; remember I put it on the charger. Went to get my cell phone. My camera was next to the same charger and it does better pictures. Grabbed my camera. Right now the bambi boys are playing, which is adorable. They run, they absolutely frolic, jumping over each other. It is priceless. Got upstairs with the camera. Everybody is GONE. That never happens. How annoying. Then, I remember to bring in an empty hummer feeder. As I am coming inside, I hear a noise. Crap! The sugar water is going nuts. I had forgotten I put it on. Whew! I turned the stove off, realizing I need to eat soon. I also need to use some fruit so I decide to make a fruit salad. I gather everything and begin washing fruit. I make a beautiful fruit salad; stick it in the fridge for later. Doorbell. Contractors. They live here right now, due to enormous damage I sustained in the ’storm of the century’. finally pull away from them, realizing I really SHOULD go upstairs and put on that bra I passed by first thing this morning. That is what happens when I do not have coffee and peel out of bed. I go take care of ‘that’ and come back just in time to be beckoned by one of the guys again. I am stunned he does not notice that I have lost about 5 inches from my waist. I hear a phone. Crap. The phone is still downstairs on the charger.

Back into the kitchen. Nope, e-mail from someone who needs an answer just popped up on my phone. Too long to ‘text’ so I head downstairs to the laptop.

I answer my mail, pay some bills, harass my husband about money, and realize I meant to check something online yesterday so I do that. If I do not do it now, I will forget again. Then, I look at a blog of a friend. Then I realize I should work on this blog because the deer were so dear.

It’s noon. I have not eaten, the kitchen is a mess, and I need to empty the dishwasher.

How does this happen? How did I ever run my business, my household and have a life? Beats me. I need to fill the hummingbird feeder.