I find myself surrounded lately by people who ‘enable’. What is happening here?

My hairdresser is enabling her son and his family. My younger cousins and nieces, nephews are enabling their children. My great attorney friend enables his kids, who have their own families. And if you ever watch something like ‘super nanny’,  or ‘wife swap’ you see constantly that families are afraid of their own kids, when it comes to discipline.

When that generation matures, who is going to give them this leeway?

I have a tendency to view these things in terms of pets. If you die, who will take care of your pet(s)? Just think for a moment. If you have pets, who will they go to if you are hit by a bus tomorrow? better make those plans. We never know what is coming around the next corner.

I have a friend who cooks her own pet food. I used to feed mine a raw diet. I have other friends who hand-feed their pets each meal. Still others sleep with their pets, sometimes to the detriment of their spouse.

Here is my concern: if you die, will anyone do all that? doubt it. If someone is good enough to take in your pet, they will have done more than enough, giving your beloved pet a warm place to sleep and food when needed. They won’t hand feed, they won’t cook and bake, they won’t chop up raw veggies. Once I began to think of this, I stopped that.

Now, my pets get pet food. Plain and simple. Just like everyone else would give them. if they get a better deal: super. But, if they just get a place to ‘sleep’ and food and water, I don’t want them to have any more agony than they already will, wondering where in the world I am. I think it’s better for my pets. And heaven knows, it  has begun to save me time.  And, not requiring so much from friends who might be kind enough to agree to take my furry babies.

I feel the very same way about kids. If something were to happen to us, who is going to treat your 20 year old as if they were still 6? Who is going to treat your 6 year old as if they were still 2? The world does not revolve around any one of us. It certainly does not revolve around our kids or our pets. I feel as if I am keeping my pets in a low-maintenance  area in their lives, so that if needed, anyone can pick up in my absence. I feel that this is the kind thing, the smart thing, and the right thing to do.

No toleration of yelling, screaming, kicking, complaining, when the world is basically just fine. No refusal to become adults.

My wonderful hairdresser gave her son and his ‘due soon’ baby a place to stay. He brought the wife and the dog. That was 7 years ago. They now have 2 dogs, 2 kids and no money. my hairdresser, in her  60’s is supporting everyone in her retirement home. She has one bedroom, they fill 3. Incredible. She wants them to move. They have said they cannot wait to leave so that they can live life the way THEY choose. But, 7 years and a larger family later, they linger. She is enabling them. why would they leave? They give her 200 bucks a month. The own ¾ of her home. They use everything and she cleans after them. if they get ready to leave, she feels guilty. It’s backwards. She should feel guilty that they have never had to learn to support their own lifestyle. It is heartbreaking.

I used to chop fresh veggies, go to the store daily to get ‘fresh’ meat to add to the food. Nuts. I finally realized one day that if something happened to me, the cats would immediately be on death row or be given a bag of cat food. Unless, of course, I left money in my will for them (I haven’t). I prefer having them get a bag of cat food. Any food will do at that point. Pet  food.

I have a friend whose dog has only slept on the bed it’s entire life. the dog was adorable. Now the dog is huge. I stayed over there once and woke to the dog, on top of me. I was not part of it’s territory. I’m lucky it didn’t tinkle on me to mark territory. I didn’t mind too much. It was only 1 night and I love pets. But, if I inherited that doggie, it would have to learn to sleep on a dog bed or the floor or something. And, if it yelled and screamed for 2 or 3 weeks while it was ‘getting that lesson’, I might not be inclined to bend over backwards for someone’s dog that was not properly raised, doesn’t understand that the humans are alpha and the dogs are not.

Hand feeding? Quit it. Dogs and cats and everything else really CAN take pretty good care of themselves. We get in the way.  and….we are supposed to be teaching our children to interact, to get along, to become self-reliant. Anytime you see a kid blowing up, stop to think just how long a different person would put up with that. nobody does it like enabling parents.

Sleeping with your kid? Nope. I won’t. will your cousin or your brother or sister if they suddenly find themselves with your children because you died? Doubt it. They aren’t used to bending into pretzels because you couldn’t bring yourself to do the right thing.

Why have we found ourselves in a world of people afraid to let kids grow up, become responsible, have pets that understand who is in charge? What in the world happened to the generation that followed one of the greatest?

Ooops. Cat needs cuddles. I hear the screaming. Better go get her.

I live in Spokane, WA. The US Figure Skating Championships are here, and I am normally in a front row seat. I have followed skating avidly since the mid 80’s. Fortunately, for me, attending championship contests have been constant. If I were not able to be in a great seat, I would watch it on TV, never missing a second.

Last night a very nice friend of mine took me as her guest to the championships. It was wonderful to see again.

However, what I actually experienced was not what I was accustomed to seeing.

I’ve mentioned before that I suffered a TBI (traumatic brain injury) a couple of years ago. It really has changed my life, my outlook, and my future. Last night I recognized it has also changed my past.

My mom had Alzheimer’s. Horrible disease. She lived in Fla and I lived in Colorado, then Oregon, now Washington. Farther and farther away from her, needing to be with her, hating to see what she was.

I made a decision about my visits with mom: I would meet her wherever she was. Toward the end, she had no clue who I was. I would watch her before I approached, to get a feel for how she ‘was’ at that moment in time. she would look at me, blankly, smile, and ask how I was. that’s mom. the more ill she became the more she morphed back into her ‘hostess’ mode of making others comfortable. because she did this so well, most people had absolutely no clue she was so ill. she managed to fool people for almost 5 years, with this disease eating away at her memories, her being. Now, visiting her in the lock-down ward was always unsettling. I wanted to scream, I’m ALEXA!! I’m your DAUGHTER!!. that would have done no good. she simply did not know me anymore. so, I decided to try to get her to like me, every time I visited with her. she had always helped everyone, everywhere. huge volunteer, all of her life. I decided that whenever I ‘met’ her, I would try to get her to enjoy my company. for an Alzheimer’s patient, that is no small feat. they are angry, frustrated, isolated, and tired of being bossed around. they have no clue who anyone is and they want ‘out’. I would go to her, smile, call her by her name, and beam at her, “HI”. she always responded favorably.

sometimes, rarely, she would chat, laugh, and almost manage conversation. Alzheimer’s robs people of their ability to use their words. I learned to listen to her cadence and her tone. amazingly, I usually could converse with her, on her terms. all I wanted was for her to like me. just for that ‘time’.

a brain, robbed of its use is not pretty. people do not act the way we expect them to or the way we are accustomed to them acting. when I injured my brain, my husband had his hands full. I had outbursts, my language went to the gutter, I was angry, crying, unable to do things and unable to figure out why. the doctors had warned us several times but until you live it, you really don’t ‘get it’. when I was going through this with my mom, I was still intact (almost brilliant, or at least really smart, IMHO). I just wanted her to like me. I loved her enough for both of us. I wanted her to like my company. so, we would chat. sometimes we would hold hands. she had no idea who I was. I was careful not to intrude. I just wanted to be with my mom, or whoever she was at that time.

sometimes I would visit her and it would go really well. so, I would stay longer than normal. those rare times were golden and I didn’t want to miss a second of them. we would talk and laugh, her conversations would make little sense, but she liked me. she was happy in my company and I was thrilled to almost see a piece of her, coming through. if anything or anyone interrupted her, she was lost again. sitting with a stranger. I would start from the beginning. again.

brains are pretty interesting. she was ‘there’ in pieces. the pieces weren’t necessarily the good ones. my brain was here but not functioning very well. as a result, I was difficult and unable to care for myself.

now I have the after-effects. my marriage is in shambles, over essentially. my brain has returned as much as it will manage we believe. if I am tired, I cannot form sentences. my spelling ability has completely vanished. I was an english whiz, math whiz, science whiz. now, I cannot multiply. sometimes I cannot add, no matter how hard I try. I spoke 4 languages, I seriously struggle with my english today. it’s just the way the cookie crumbles. I’m mobile, I can drive and run errands and cook and garden. I am just a bit more diminished. that’s life.

last night I realized I don’t know a damned thing about skating. that was astonishing. my friend had gone with me as my guest years before. she evidently relied on my knowledge to help her understand the competition. it made me remember the first month I was here in Spokane, the championships were here (Skate America, I think) and I took my very best friend to every event all week. she was an athlete but knew absolutely nothing about this sport. so, I explained to keep her appraised. last night, I could not answer the most basic questions. that was stunning to me. I simply don’t know anything much about this sport I have spent thousands of dollars on for 25 years or so. I’m a newbie.

so, just like my visits with my mom, I decided to just be ‘there’. I decided I don’t need to be in charge, don’t need to know the answers, don’t even need to know the questions. I could just be there, with my dear friend, watching a program of great challenge and superior athletes. I had been here the month I moved to Spokane, and now, 8 years later, as I am making my plans to depart, I was here again, but a different person, in every way.

and it was ok.

horrible week. cannot imagine one worse yet I know another is bound to appear.

4 of my dearest friends have experienced huge loss of life. what is worse than that? before that, I was feeling very bereft, left, alone, frightened and sad. now, i recognize again that everyone has ’something’. as my best friend said today, “you don’t have to look very far to see someone in a horrible position.”. she is so right.

3 of my best friends lost their pets in less than a week. one, is losing her husband. good heavens. I’m upset over my husband’s “stuff” and my pride and my money and divorce.  I need to get a grip.

I always say, ‘everyone has something’. when you are in the midst of it, you don’t remember that. just look around your own corner. someone is dying emotionally, spiritually or physically. someone is. I promise.

I have been helping a woman through her chemo. talk about a rude awakening. this is serious stuff. naturally, I keep my stupid stuff to myself.

so many of my friends and family are coping. we just didn’t dream things could become this grim. amazingly, spring will make all of us feel a little better. we will probably be missing someone but we will see more sunlight, watch new flowers bloom and realize that our world will trudge onward.

the most amazing part of this to me is the few people who still don’t ‘get it’. the ones who are completely caught up in their own drama, their own pain, not even seeing everything around them. that is heartache. name calling, bullying, pointing out faults, yelling, screaming, to no avail. we only diminish ourselves. I have been as guilty as the next. I keep trying though. I really do try. knowing that, I cannot discount that others are probably trying as well. we just see things at different times.

let’s pull together. please. let’s just row this boat in the very same direction. our time here is short. shorter than anyone knows. some of us feel we’ve been here, done this. possibly so. doesn’t matter. everyone is struggling with the very same issues and problems. we all deserve a break. we all deserve love. we all deserve a chance to improve.

I’m trying to improve. hard to imagine I could be better, but I’m gonna try!

I had a great visit with a wonderful woman over the weekend. she is my stepdaughter.

we have been through so much together. when I met her, she was in 3rd grade, now a sophomore in college. the years have been amazing, the changes incredible.

we laughed about her different ‘phases’, the extreme shyness, the necessity of goth, the girly-girl times, the dates and the heartaches. she is slated to be more a friend now than a daughter and I’m fine with any circumstance. I love her dearly.

when we met she was going through the demise of her family unit. her parents had divorced but in her mind hope was always intact. when her dad and I married, she was not pleased. it was very difficult for both of us. I had worked with children all of my life, as a volunteer in various areas. a single professional woman, I had never married so had no children of my own but really loved kids. I was always the favorite aunt, the neat ‘mom’s best friend’, the fun next-door neighbor to kids but never a mom. I proceeded slowly, getting into her life. her dad wanted to rush us but I knew better. still, she was rushed and it hurt her. I was unwelcome. for the first time in my adult life, a child did not want a thing to do with me. I was so surprised,  hurt, and confused. I tried everything,  I thought.

what I finally had to relent to was the unvarnished truth. after a particularly bad visit I was finished. I had no thoughts of trying further. by this time she was a freshman in high school. she had done some unforgivable thing and I was shattered by the memory.

when she came back, I invited her to have a talk. I laid my cards on the table. I loved her. I had worked very hard to love her. it was not something that just happened because I married her dad. it was a conscious decision and I had to be certain it took. I loved her. I would do anything in the world for her. I was so sorry about her parents’ divorce and her upheaval but I had nothing to do with any of it. I was also a child of divorce and knew the pain. I simply married a man I had fallen in love with. a divorced man. and she came along with the package.

I asked her to please tell me 3 or 4 things I had done to cause her pain, to hurt her, to make her angry. I wanted to know so that I could try to improve but I was fatigued with being treated badly and being unwelcome in my own home and life. I did not intend to allow any more ill treatment. she cried. she explained that it was nothing I had done. she said I had always been wonderful to her. she knew I loved her. then she said it was not me, it was what I represented: that her parents were really over.

what a huge statement for a young girl. what a truth.

we both cried, held each other for the loss each of us had suffered and for the mending we were needing .

after that day, we went into sync. our relationship began to flourish. we had both learned huge lessons. I believed I had known just what to do with my new kids, to help them like me and then maybe love me. yet, I could not have really understood their feelings. I wasn’t them, they weren’t me. we all had to navigate this together and mostly, we had to be willing. one person in a relationship cannot maintain without the other being engaged.

she is a young woman and I am an older lady. we have 13 years’ history. we have a relationship that will continue in some version even though we will never again live near each other and even though she is now watching her father move out of my life. she is something of a niece to me now. a friend. a daughter of a friend. my daughter. she is important to my life. she needs no label. neither do I.

we have love, respect and enough history to understand each other. we have continuity. how lucky is that?

This season mostly cars and coyotes have hit the deer hard. as more and more housing is pushed onto former farmland, too many cars are on the road where once a slow country road existed.

I have always enjoyed watching the wildlife in my yard. It’s such a treat to be able to observe so many things and learn from nature.

a few weeks ago a neighbor called me. as we chatted she said, “I’ve seen too many dead bambi’s this year, hit by cars down our hill.” I concurred and we wondered aloud how the mother deer cope when this happens. oddly, you don’t really put our emotions into wildlife. they are animals. they are wild. they don’t talk to us about feelings so I guess we often decide they don’t have feelings, other than physical pain.

this season we had 2 moms with new babies. a young doe who had one bambi and another doe, a year older, who had twins. I’ve written about watching the babies all play and challenge each other in my yard, mom’s letting them get the lessons they will need, but close enough to protect if necessary.

one day, all of us noticed another young bambi, lying beside the road, hit by a car. you can’t help but feel sad. the deer were always here. the builders have put up fences, forcing the deer onto a curved road, on a hill. a recipe for disaster and disaster is met repeatedly.

we wondered to whom the bambi belonged. I learned very quickly that our doe that only had the one baby this year was now alone. that was difficult. what I watched unfold made it worse. the doe who had the twins would not allow this young mother to be around now. whereas they used to all be in the yard together, now the mom with the twins would run the other doe away. I felt so bad for that mom who had just lost her bambi.

putting my emotions into a wild animal. I know better. I admit freely that I have no clue if the mom even remembers her baby was killed. I have no clue.

watching this kept haunting me. finally, I realized I was remembering a mean neighbor from my childhood. she was just plain unpleasant. I told my mom about her and my mom just told me to ignore the woman but to stay out of her yard so she wouldn’t have any reason to complain. all of the kids in the neighborhood knew she was a meanie. we talked about her as we passed her house, some of the boys were taunting, showing they were brave.

we heard that she was pregnant. Well, that seemed weird. she hated kids; why would she want to  be a mother? this turn of events completely stymied our innocence. a few months later I overheard my mom talking to another neighbor. they were planning to take some food over to this ladies’ house. that night my mom explained that the woman had miscarried. I really didn’t comprehend that, I was in 5th grade. my mom explained that the neighbor wasn’t pregnant anymore and that actually her baby had died. then she told me more: this was the 4th time this same lady had lost a baby. my mom told me that several of our neighbors kept their distance from this woman over the years and that bothered my mother. she explained that sometimes when someone in your life has severe heartache, people pull away. almost as if you can ‘catch’ that heartache if you get too close.

everyone felt sorry for her but I was still angry over the way she had treated me and my friends for over a year. why would she want kids if she was mean to all of them?

my mom became a friend to this neighbor. she told me later to always try to look inside people more, to understand why they act the way that they do. she told me that I would probably find a really good reason and it was probably something to do with personal pain.

the neighborhood rallied to this neighbors side. they took turns bringing food because she was still in bed. it turned out that she would not have the opportunity ever again to have a baby. everyone felt sad about her pain. everyone did things to try to comfort her and her husband. when she finally began to venture out, the neighborhood went out of their way to encourage her. through such severe pain she gained friendships and support she had missed before. my mom said people were feeling guilty, trying to make up for their attitudes toward this lady for so many years. sometimes pain brings people closer, even though that pain is what pushed them away in the first place.

I thought about her over the years, wondering how her life turned out. again, I was a kid, still learning that not everyone has a baby just because they plan.

yesterday I saw the doe. as I watched, I saw one bambi. I went onto my deck, looking for the other. they can hide so easily. then I saw another deer. I still saw no bambi. just the one, missing the twin. that was when I realized that we had lost another bambi. I’d been hearing lots of coyotes the last couple of nights. this disturbed me so much that I stayed on my deck for about 15 mins but the twin never showed.

today I saw the doe again, with the lone bambi. I saw the other doe too. I watched because she had not been allowed in the yard since she lost her baby. now I had 3 deer, one a baby and 2 adults. as I watched, both of the mothers began to walk toward the bambi. I knew someone was in for it. then, together, the two older deer began to wash and groom the little ‘left-over’ bambi. both of them. I was astonished. somehow there was no longer animosity between these two mothers. I continued to watch, mesmerized. then, the bambi began to lick the mom, then the ‘other mom’. it was beautiful. the three survivors. I no longer knew which mom was which.

maybe the mom who had the twins had been threatened by the mom whose baby was lost. I don’t have any way of  knowing. you can’t put human emotions onto wildlife. I just know that today, the two moms who had lost a child each were able to co-exist again.  I guess it was their way of bringing food over to the house, offering comfort and support.

sometimes it takes true pain to give birth to friendship. sometimes you feel it’s ok to allow someone in if they have suffered in a way you can understand. of course, you can’t give human feelings to wildlife.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about things we treasure and things we need to keep and want to buy.

my husband spied a small milk jug one day in a bargain store. it was just a quart milk pitcher, worn and scuffed from years of use, glass, with a handle. it was just a small pitcher. he had to have it. he said it would be to keep our milk in, in the fridge. women all over the world know why that open pitcher to keep milk in is not a great idea. additionally, the only time he used milk was if he had cereal in the mornings. I was the one who drank milk. we got the pitcher. once I had washed it, he dutifully poured our milk out of the milk carton and into the old glass pitcher. there! the trace of a smile went across his mouth. all was well in his world. mine was less well.

I once picked up a ‘hostess set’ that was 8 glasses in a heavy chrome basket. the glasses all matched. the chrome basket was ageless to me. I had to own it and the price was great. I use it for water glasses and iced tea glasses when my guests come for dinner.

a good friend of mine has a ’sprinkler bottle’ to sprinkle her clothes before she irons them. most of us remember those. our mom’s and our grandmother’s all used them. once in a while you’ll find that little bottle top, cork intact, with holes all over the opening. we know immediately what it is for but our kids don’t understand.

the odd thing to me is that we are picking up nostalgia. not JUST nostalgia, but nostalgia from our childhood, and usually from our mothers.

his memory of the milk pitcher was the one always in the fridge when he came home from school. my memory was of my mother hosting her bridge parties, white gloves, nice card table, coffee service nearby and the glasses with ice, for lemonade or iced tea, in their carrier.

my friend remembers her mother ironing and teaching her to iron her fathers’ hankies. her parents both passed away too young and I can understand her holding onto things like this.

interestingly, after the first use of the milk pitcher, it was relegated to the shelf, by my husband. I use the hostess glasses and carrier sometimes but not as often. my girlfriend never irons. not anything.

none wants to let go of those silly items. it would almost be letting go of our parents or our childhood again. my mom has passed. I want anything to remind me of her presence. my husbands’ mother is still with us but he doesn’t want the pitcher discarded, he just doesn’t want to use it after all. when he began packing, I offered it to him. it still sits on the shelf. my girlfriend has the stopper to the water bottle in her china cabinet, with her other treasures. close but not in use.

until very recently I had a pair of my mothers and my step dad’s tennis shoes. they used to come visit me at least once a year and we all three loved to garden. instead of carrying the shoes back and forth, dirty with soil and mud, they each left a pair. I was unable to let my mother’s sneakers go, after she passed. I needed that reminder. I needed to see them and realize she might be attached to them in some way, therefore to me.

watching a show on tv one day I heard someone remind me of what we all know: they are not in ‘the things’. they are all in our hearts. they live within us. we dont’ need the sneakers, the pitchers, the sprinkler tops. we just need our open loving hearts. I think we all have that, don’t you? that doesn’t mean that anyone should rush another to discard something precious in their own minds. we’ll manage that in our own way eventually. but my mothers tennis shoes and her husbands both went to a soup kitchen not long ago. they both volunteered all of their lives and so have I. when I walked in with them, a man and woman immediately asked if they were for someone special. of course they were. a man and a woman who needed better shoes. worn, but still able to serve as footware.

I know my parents smiled. I smiled. the man and woman smiled. we all felt just a little better. and, just as I had expected, it didn’t make me lose my mom or dad all over again. it made them go even further in my lifetime.

I’m not sure how much longer I’ll keep my hostess set. I do recognize that I’m keeping it because it makes me smile. the shoes somehow made me sad. now absent, they make me feel good.

I found myself looking at some old cookie cutters recently at a thrift store.  my mom had them all. we baked cookies together. my stepdaughter and I did likewise a few times. now, I make cookies occasionally but oh those cookie cutters were calling me. as I stood there, handling the few that I have somehow lost, knowing I could again have all of the ones my mom used to have I glanced out the store window. there was a family standing across the alley at a restaurant back door, near the dumpster. a man, woman and 2 children. the man and the little girl wore shoes I could easily recognize. I smiled again, tears popped into my eyes as I put the cookie cutters down. walking to my car I swelled with the love of my family and again felt that smile.

the next day I made cookies. I made every shape possible. I spent hours baking. then, I took 5 dozen cookies to the soup kitchen, with 4 more pairs of sneakers I had stopped wearing years earlier and ’saved’. everything made sense. the cookie cutters didn’t know they were missing some of their counterparts. I didn’t notice that I was missing old sneakers. I just noticed the warm feeling I had inside, all the way down to my toes when I sat down, drinking milk out of my hostess glass and eating leftover cookies.

sometimes all you really need is love.

well, I just can’t stand it. I need every flight attendant I can find because we are the only people on earth who will completely ‘get this’.

I’m talking “packing for your trip”.

I know all of us can go anywhere for 14 days with one bag and a tote or garment bag. our layover bags used to have some extras to make our lives better. (dinosaur alert!)

a plug-in ‘heating coil’ to heat hot water for coffee, tea, soups, broths. a few of us carried some sort of exercise band or something that took no space, weighed nothing, and we could possibly exercise in our rooms. we would have a spare set of undies and sox or stockings, our overnight bath items, our own shampoo, conditioner and hair dryer, probably a camera, a set of clothes for the layover, possibly a 2nd set if the trip was long. shoes. medicines, possibly a game, an IPOD or similar gadget, possibly a bathing suit. if not, then gloves, scarves, a sweater.we would be able to mix and match several different outfits in order to make our packing more efficient.

point being: we had everything we needed. we are VERY good at packing essentials, extras and personal extras into one bag. I think most of us would agree is it something of a source of pride to us. most people seriously overpack.

so, please. imagine for a moment that you were here, watching this tv show. commercial starts: “do you know how to handle those travel times when you are trying to eat healthy?” they show an attractive woman, packing a flight bag. they continue to drone: ‘remember that broiling or using nonstick cookware is important, as well as having ready snacks so you aren’t tempted to eat on the run.’ as they say this, she is picking up a small skillet. then, she grabs a bag of fruit (BAG of fruit), a coffee grinder, a bag of coffee beans, 2 cutting boards, 3 bottles of spices, and a cookbook. as she begins loading all of this crap into a suitcase, they point out that the utensils can be washed and used for a next meal (yes, she packed utensils and serving items). they continue explaining how much healthier they will eat and how much money will be saved by simply ‘planning ahead’.

they are shown reaching their hotel. oh, I know! it wasn’t just ONE person, it was TWO!!  that news caught me by surprise too. so, this man and this woman enter their hotel bedroom and he puts the one bag on their bed and she drops the tote. yep. they have a kitchen in their suitcase, plus all of THEIR stuff!

one bag, one tote.

and we thought we could pack. are you as ashamed as I?

and people always thought we were dumb. I wonder why Madison Avenue still thinks everyone else is dumb?

I’m not certain how easily this will come out. it’s about my mom, who passed, and the ramifications of one incident.

my mom was very very ill with alzheimers. she had not been ‘there’ for about 9 years. it was heartrending. she had been brilliant, exercised daily, worked 15 acres with my dad and used her mind. but, a gene is a gene. her dad had alzheimers. it’s all over my family. my brother and I wait and watch.

I had flown down to florida several times because she was not doing well. I live in Washington state, so the trip is daunting. but, when they call, you fly.

if you are familiar with alzheimers disease, you know that their faces become ‘wizened’, slack and empty. she had been this way for years, not knowing me, not knowing her husband, her sister, her son. she was gone except for being in such excellent physical shape. it took longer than expected for her to draw her last breath.

I was so accustomed to her appearance. I knew my mom wasn’t there anymore. we were so damned close. she and I had conquered mountains together. she is responsible for my wonderful smile and great sense of humor, among other things. I was also lucky enough to inherit her legs.

we had a pact: if ever, in any way, she could reach me afterwards, she would. we both believed it possible but had no proof because you never really see that happen.

when I got to the hospital, the family was with her. I went over, kissed her and whispered “hi mom. I’m sorry it took me so long but I’m here now. I’ll help you.”

as those words left my lips, the nurse began barking orders. my mom was going. right now. she was DNR and I said that loudly as the nurse ordered a cart. then the order was given to move my mom to another location. a room where family could be with her, less of a hospital nature. they were hurrying. I was walking alongside her, holding her hand, looking intently into her eyes, this woman who gave me everything in life I cherish.

I talked to her, explaining that we were moving to another room and trying to connect with a brain that had long since vanished.

the most amazing person took her place. I was suddenly entranced. my mother had become an absolute beauty. she and I locked eyes. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing but I refused to look away, even for a second for fear it would vanish. my mother was just beautiful. no longer the wrinkled, blank body she had been for so many years. this woman was breathtakingly beautiful, looking at me with such love. I can’t explain this better. I just kept talking to her. I told her how beautiful she was. she just looked at me, intently. I knew she knew. I knew I knew. I was looking at a soul. I have not had such an experience prior. I’ve known when people passed away and I’ve had warnings of it and even short visits as they transition. this was the most spectacular vision I have ever experienced. she was vibrant and lovely. this moment lasted for about 3 minutes. I never let my gaze change. I was enthralled.

we got her to the new room and she became ‘mom’ again. I was not fooled. I realized I had seen her soul and I would never forget the privilege.

I know when someone passes, the only real tragedy is for those left behind. we grieve. we miss having that person. but. I know for a fact that our bodies are just a ‘thing’ for our souls to use. seeing my mother that day taught me so much. I don’t grieve in the same way.  when someone passes away, I easily recognize that only their soul has moved, their body has stopped and they continue elsewhere.

I am lucky to have learned that. I am at an age when death and dying are a normal experience. I have few relatives left. aunts, uncles, parents, are leaving the planet in increasing numbers. knowing so well that they have only left HERE is a huge help to me. I have seen the soul. I know the soul. I know it continues. and I know it gives only love.

I just felt the need to finally share that.

there is more to our story. I might begin sharing that as well.

thanks mom. I love you. I miss your presence. I hope you are having a ball.

I am lucky enough to live where animals are still free. wild animals. the other day we got a report that a cougar was spotted not far from here. when we moved here, I was warned to be careful. so far I’ve had to be careful of horses, racoons, moose, deer, coyotes and a hundred or so bird varieties. I’ve also had to be careful of a few people who would mean me harm.

I haven’t been scared, yet.

but, I still find it interesting to watch the horses down the hill.

not long ago I saw that someone had put a huge earthmover into the pasture. it was big. true to form, the 2 horses were standing by the earthmover, plunked into their territory. you could almost envision the foreman leaning on his shovel, watching workers in the ditch. but, these two horses were curious. they always seem to be curious. they were by the big machine and just giving it a long  ‘once-over’.

I ran some errands. when I was driving back home, I glanced over again. this time the horses had moved, together, to the other side of the big machine. again, they were looking over the thing that had invaded their territory. you had the impression they were discussing the thing, wondering why it was in ‘their house’ and what it was for and how long it would stay.

I am always taken by the ‘herd’ instinct horses have. I don’t think it’s only safety in numbers. I think it’s friendship. horses just seem to be pals with most other horses. I have seen one horse that didn’t like another. the one horse bit the other. they didn’t get along. but, for the most part they seem to want to be together. just like they want to come to the fence to see who has stopped for a visit or to bring a snack. I’ve noticed that when one sleeps, the other stands guard. they know they have safety in numbers.

I live in the country so am able to observe. I also recognize the value of my friends and neighbors. they have become my herd.

I rarely call on anyone for help but I know several of them I can. out here, we have safety in numbers. we all watch for people we don’t know. we call one another when someone comes in or intrudes in our privacy or safety. intrusion is only welcome when we feel safe and in control. there are some people we know better than to trust. like the horses, we won’t go over to the fence when those particular people are near.

once, there was a huge fire, causing mass evacuations. one of my neighbors called me, saying they were packing. I went next door, to a new neighbor, telling her I was leaving. another neighbor was away, calling me to learn how our houses were doing. we all knew we could do very little to stop the progression of the flames. we also knew we could rely on each other to try to maintain our individual safety.

when I returned home the next day, all was well. the horses had been moved but were already back. they seemed to fall right into routine. my neighbors were mostly home. we all got into our routines. that fire was like a huge uninvited guest and we just had to make the best of it.

like the horses, we look at everything new in our world, trying to figure out how long it will be there. we look things over and then return to our routines.

I think it makes us feel safe.

do you ignore your phone when it rings?

I realized about 30 years ago that just because the phone rang, I did not have to answer it. people visiting me were appalled. I felt justified. I paid for the thing, if I had nobody I particularly needed, why should I interrupt whatever I was doing, to answer the phone? it was a blessing. it gave me time. I loved the lesson.

remember when car phones made the scene? I saw my first one when my mom and I had broken down on a highway. a limo pulled over. the rear window ’slid’ down and a wonderfully dressed man asked if we needed help. he had a phone in his hand, connected to something in the car. he was kind enough to call someone for us. he offered to stay but it was obvious he had somewhere else to be. we were grateful.

as the limo pulled back onto the highway my mom commented on how nice that was. then, she turned to me and said “did you see he had his own phone in that car?” we were both agog. it was 1970.

years later I decided I needed to have a car phone. my job was taking more and more time from me and I was living with a pager. I had also taken a bit of flack from 2 male friends. I had been en-route to a ski area, alone, and took a road less traveled. as I topped a hill, my car got stuck. snow slide. HUGE snow slide. I was in the middle of nowhere. as an ex flight attendant, I began to assess the very real possibility of sleeping in my car. the sun was starting to fade.

my biggest fear was a mountain lion. I knew I’d have to keep my windows closed and wondered if I would get too much stale air. I opened my trunk, got out my BIG swiss army knife ( the emergency one) and extra sweaters, hats and socks. I knew it would get really cold. then, I thought about the possibility of a fire. I assumed someone would be on fire-watch and maybe report the smoke. I got matches and some cotton things that I knew would burn and smoke. then I started looking for kindling. I thought I would build a fire in the center of the dirt road. I would also have snow handy in case it started to get out of hand. I opened the hood of my car, to show distress and wrote a note, saying I was stranded and had gone to find firewood.

I felt pretty empowered. I felt I could take care of myself until I could either dig out or someone found me. at least that was my plan. I was meeting a friend up in the ski area. he knew I was never late so I assumed that would also help. the only bad part was I had taken all of these little dirt roads instead of paved. I was really off the map.

I was returning with my 2nd load of wood when a big pickup came up the hill. god, I was so relieved. a man got out, asked if I was ok. as soon as I said yes, he began cleaning my clock for being in such a remote area, by myself in the winter in a dinky little toyota. his wife got out, chiding him for yelling at me. she explained that they had 3 daughters and he was just being ‘a dad’. I was on the verge of tears. I knew I would live and I knew he was right. I felt the emotion I had surpressed starting to surface. I was about 42 and that was a dumb thing to do in the winter. he had a truck built for such things. he hooked a cable to me and pulled me clear. he told me that the road was ‘down’ the rest of the way and I should be fine.

I reloaded my car. I had not been mauled by a mountain lion. I was safe. I was also about 3 hours late. as I got toward the ski area, my friend passed me on the road. he immediately turned around. we stopped. he asked what had happened. I explained. then HE yelled at me.

blabbermouth that he was, soon everyone knew what I had done. it was agreed: I had to get a car phone. I told my boss. he agreed. he was thrilled that I would be easier to reach. he would even pay for it. super.

when I told my boyfriend (who had a car phone) that I was getting one installed, he told me that once I got used to it, I’d wonder how I had lived so long without it. he was right. I was on that phone all the time. such a time-saver. now, I could do things while I was headed to do something else. now, my secretary could catch up with me before I headed in the wrong direction. nirvana.

(I need to digress: for one thing, the phone would not have worked where I was stuck. no cells. too remote. for another thing, we didn’t all know 20 years ago how dangerous it is to use a phone while you are driving. I learned that lesson later.)

now, we all carry a phone with us.

when I was flying, we started training to fly Hong Kong. we were told to accept the fact that the Chinese would all have personal phones. don’t even bother trying to ask them to turn them off. they live on those phones. it was an absolute fact.

many of us are getting rid of our house phones. I admit that I have mine only for emergencies, when a land-line is necessary but it irks me to pay the outrageous fee. I never answer it. never. I use my cell. so, now I have 2 phones. annoying but I put myself here.

trying to be certain you can reach people the minute you need to is a double-edged sword. now, people can reach YOU. I no longer use the phone when I’m driving. I now ‘duck’ the cell phone as often as I used to duck the house phone. between e-mail (which downloads onto my phone) and people knowing exactly how to reach me, I’ve gotten in over my head. what I had once considered a luxury has become a necessity and a nuisance.

I blame that guy in the limo.