I am often afraid. I fear so many things that haven’t happened. I fear things that ‘could’ happen. the relationship between the first and the second are huge.  there is the possibility that nothing bad could happen at all. irrational fears.

I am afraid of spiders. I don’t know why. many are so tiny. I try to help them. I know they are afraid of me. then, the bigger ones: ok, I’m frightened to pieces. no clue as to why. I think I am afraid of things that ’scurry’:  mice, rats, big bugs (roaches), spiders, and the like. again, they have never bitten me. I am just uncomfortable. afraid.

but why am I afraid of people? not many people, but certain people doing certain things. why should I fear them?

I am pretty fearless generally. it is not the person I fear, but what that person represents (as my stepdaughter taught me) me (CALL ME ANYTHING). I fear what I cannot predict. how many of us don’t?

of late, I am afraid of my future. I fear being without funding. I have only been that way once in my adult life and I managed by working 7 jobs a week. I was also 38. huge difference. now, I find myself without income and I feel old and withered, fretting about my financial future.

how different from a spider or a rat or mouse is this fear?

I know a wonderful woman. she is frightened to pieces of fire. I will hope to understand that fear before I leave her company. she consistently cuts trees, thinking this will prevent her family from burning. during the time I have known her, she has given way to both of her children leaving the nest, moving onward with their lives. she still fears that fire. she has more than one home. she is constantly cutting trees to prevent the danger of a dwelling being lost to fire. we all watch and feel for her dread. no one person will be able to put that to rest. only her. only this woman can prevent herself from the slashing of trees and shrubs, homes to so much wildlife, because she fears fire.

I’ve known her 10 years. I have yet to learn what was killed, or  lost  in a fire, in her life. I gather she lost something or someone precious. but, maybe it’s an irrational fear.

I fear sharks in the ocean.

I was raised in the ocean. my brother and family swam in the Atlantic and the Gulf for years. at times, our mother would call out to us: “sharks! , be still.  now, come slowly to me.” we learned that sharks were a danger. we were afraid but not terrified. when I saw the movie “JAWS”, I became very frightened. that was different. now, I’m afraid. now I’m frightened. now, I can be terrified.

but that’s me.

don’t we all have something? everyone is afraid of something. we all have our terrors. our worries. it doesn’t matter if they are things or stories or memories. they still frighten us sufficiently. we are afraid.

how interesting that so many of us decide that what one person fears is silly, yet inside we fear something. isn’t it time that we all recognize that everyone has fears and no fear of one person is any less than the fear we carry? personally, I think it’s past time.

it’s STUFF. we all have it. nobody is exempt. without fears, terrorism could not exist.

I don’t know about the rest of the world, but when I get on an airplane, I kiss myself goodby. I say my prayer to my guardians, my family, my loved ones and I put myself into the hands of ‘everlasting hope’. whatever happens after that is whatever happens. I have warned my family that if I were to perish in a plane crash then I was meant to, I decided to, I chose to. because, as a crew member, if I did not get out of a plane, there was a very good reason. I decided I needed to help someone else, I decided my life was over, I decided. yep. I decided.

so, what is your fear? do you acknowledge it? do you try to pretend it doesn’t exist? we all have it. no one person is exempt, no matter their posturing. everyone has fear.

overcoming that fear is a huge step forward.

my fear of sharks dissolved several years ago (that’s another blog). my fear of being left is dissolving now. (I’ll manage) my fear of spiders is a work in progress but I’m gaining on it considerably. i still dont’ like roaches but I realize now how long they have survived and try to acknowledge that as I do my best to kill them, standing as far away as possible. roaches are scary.

This season mostly cars and coyotes have hit the deer hard. as more and more housing is pushed onto former farmland, too many cars are on the road where once a slow country road existed.

I have always enjoyed watching the wildlife in my yard. It’s such a treat to be able to observe so many things and learn from nature.

a few weeks ago a neighbor called me. as we chatted she said, “I’ve seen too many dead bambi’s this year, hit by cars down our hill.” I concurred and we wondered aloud how the mother deer cope when this happens. oddly, you don’t really put our emotions into wildlife. they are animals. they are wild. they don’t talk to us about feelings so I guess we often decide they don’t have feelings, other than physical pain.

this season we had 2 moms with new babies. a young doe who had one bambi and another doe, a year older, who had twins. I’ve written about watching the babies all play and challenge each other in my yard, mom’s letting them get the lessons they will need, but close enough to protect if necessary.

one day, all of us noticed another young bambi, lying beside the road, hit by a car. you can’t help but feel sad. the deer were always here. the builders have put up fences, forcing the deer onto a curved road, on a hill. a recipe for disaster and disaster is met repeatedly.

we wondered to whom the bambi belonged. I learned very quickly that our doe that only had the one baby this year was now alone. that was difficult. what I watched unfold made it worse. the doe who had the twins would not allow this young mother to be around now. whereas they used to all be in the yard together, now the mom with the twins would run the other doe away. I felt so bad for that mom who had just lost her bambi.

putting my emotions into a wild animal. I know better. I admit freely that I have no clue if the mom even remembers her baby was killed. I have no clue.

watching this kept haunting me. finally, I realized I was remembering a mean neighbor from my childhood. she was just plain unpleasant. I told my mom about her and my mom just told me to ignore the woman but to stay out of her yard so she wouldn’t have any reason to complain. all of the kids in the neighborhood knew she was a meanie. we talked about her as we passed her house, some of the boys were taunting, showing they were brave.

we heard that she was pregnant. Well, that seemed weird. she hated kids; why would she want to  be a mother? this turn of events completely stymied our innocence. a few months later I overheard my mom talking to another neighbor. they were planning to take some food over to this ladies’ house. that night my mom explained that the woman had miscarried. I really didn’t comprehend that, I was in 5th grade. my mom explained that the neighbor wasn’t pregnant anymore and that actually her baby had died. then she told me more: this was the 4th time this same lady had lost a baby. my mom told me that several of our neighbors kept their distance from this woman over the years and that bothered my mother. she explained that sometimes when someone in your life has severe heartache, people pull away. almost as if you can ‘catch’ that heartache if you get too close.

everyone felt sorry for her but I was still angry over the way she had treated me and my friends for over a year. why would she want kids if she was mean to all of them?

my mom became a friend to this neighbor. she told me later to always try to look inside people more, to understand why they act the way that they do. she told me that I would probably find a really good reason and it was probably something to do with personal pain.

the neighborhood rallied to this neighbors side. they took turns bringing food because she was still in bed. it turned out that she would not have the opportunity ever again to have a baby. everyone felt sad about her pain. everyone did things to try to comfort her and her husband. when she finally began to venture out, the neighborhood went out of their way to encourage her. through such severe pain she gained friendships and support she had missed before. my mom said people were feeling guilty, trying to make up for their attitudes toward this lady for so many years. sometimes pain brings people closer, even though that pain is what pushed them away in the first place.

I thought about her over the years, wondering how her life turned out. again, I was a kid, still learning that not everyone has a baby just because they plan.

yesterday I saw the doe. as I watched, I saw one bambi. I went onto my deck, looking for the other. they can hide so easily. then I saw another deer. I still saw no bambi. just the one, missing the twin. that was when I realized that we had lost another bambi. I’d been hearing lots of coyotes the last couple of nights. this disturbed me so much that I stayed on my deck for about 15 mins but the twin never showed.

today I saw the doe again, with the lone bambi. I saw the other doe too. I watched because she had not been allowed in the yard since she lost her baby. now I had 3 deer, one a baby and 2 adults. as I watched, both of the mothers began to walk toward the bambi. I knew someone was in for it. then, together, the two older deer began to wash and groom the little ‘left-over’ bambi. both of them. I was astonished. somehow there was no longer animosity between these two mothers. I continued to watch, mesmerized. then, the bambi began to lick the mom, then the ‘other mom’. it was beautiful. the three survivors. I no longer knew which mom was which.

maybe the mom who had the twins had been threatened by the mom whose baby was lost. I don’t have any way of  knowing. you can’t put human emotions onto wildlife. I just know that today, the two moms who had lost a child each were able to co-exist again.  I guess it was their way of bringing food over to the house, offering comfort and support.

sometimes it takes true pain to give birth to friendship. sometimes you feel it’s ok to allow someone in if they have suffered in a way you can understand. of course, you can’t give human feelings to wildlife.

I am lucky enough to live where animals are still free. wild animals. the other day we got a report that a cougar was spotted not far from here. when we moved here, I was warned to be careful. so far I’ve had to be careful of horses, racoons, moose, deer, coyotes and a hundred or so bird varieties. I’ve also had to be careful of a few people who would mean me harm.

I haven’t been scared, yet.

but, I still find it interesting to watch the horses down the hill.

not long ago I saw that someone had put a huge earthmover into the pasture. it was big. true to form, the 2 horses were standing by the earthmover, plunked into their territory. you could almost envision the foreman leaning on his shovel, watching workers in the ditch. but, these two horses were curious. they always seem to be curious. they were by the big machine and just giving it a long  ‘once-over’.

I ran some errands. when I was driving back home, I glanced over again. this time the horses had moved, together, to the other side of the big machine. again, they were looking over the thing that had invaded their territory. you had the impression they were discussing the thing, wondering why it was in ‘their house’ and what it was for and how long it would stay.

I am always taken by the ‘herd’ instinct horses have. I don’t think it’s only safety in numbers. I think it’s friendship. horses just seem to be pals with most other horses. I have seen one horse that didn’t like another. the one horse bit the other. they didn’t get along. but, for the most part they seem to want to be together. just like they want to come to the fence to see who has stopped for a visit or to bring a snack. I’ve noticed that when one sleeps, the other stands guard. they know they have safety in numbers.

I live in the country so am able to observe. I also recognize the value of my friends and neighbors. they have become my herd.

I rarely call on anyone for help but I know several of them I can. out here, we have safety in numbers. we all watch for people we don’t know. we call one another when someone comes in or intrudes in our privacy or safety. intrusion is only welcome when we feel safe and in control. there are some people we know better than to trust. like the horses, we won’t go over to the fence when those particular people are near.

once, there was a huge fire, causing mass evacuations. one of my neighbors called me, saying they were packing. I went next door, to a new neighbor, telling her I was leaving. another neighbor was away, calling me to learn how our houses were doing. we all knew we could do very little to stop the progression of the flames. we also knew we could rely on each other to try to maintain our individual safety.

when I returned home the next day, all was well. the horses had been moved but were already back. they seemed to fall right into routine. my neighbors were mostly home. we all got into our routines. that fire was like a huge uninvited guest and we just had to make the best of it.

like the horses, we look at everything new in our world, trying to figure out how long it will be there. we look things over and then return to our routines.

I think it makes us feel safe.

do you ignore your phone when it rings?

I realized about 30 years ago that just because the phone rang, I did not have to answer it. people visiting me were appalled. I felt justified. I paid for the thing, if I had nobody I particularly needed, why should I interrupt whatever I was doing, to answer the phone? it was a blessing. it gave me time. I loved the lesson.

remember when car phones made the scene? I saw my first one when my mom and I had broken down on a highway. a limo pulled over. the rear window ’slid’ down and a wonderfully dressed man asked if we needed help. he had a phone in his hand, connected to something in the car. he was kind enough to call someone for us. he offered to stay but it was obvious he had somewhere else to be. we were grateful.

as the limo pulled back onto the highway my mom commented on how nice that was. then, she turned to me and said “did you see he had his own phone in that car?” we were both agog. it was 1970.

years later I decided I needed to have a car phone. my job was taking more and more time from me and I was living with a pager. I had also taken a bit of flack from 2 male friends. I had been en-route to a ski area, alone, and took a road less traveled. as I topped a hill, my car got stuck. snow slide. HUGE snow slide. I was in the middle of nowhere. as an ex flight attendant, I began to assess the very real possibility of sleeping in my car. the sun was starting to fade.

my biggest fear was a mountain lion. I knew I’d have to keep my windows closed and wondered if I would get too much stale air. I opened my trunk, got out my BIG swiss army knife ( the emergency one) and extra sweaters, hats and socks. I knew it would get really cold. then, I thought about the possibility of a fire. I assumed someone would be on fire-watch and maybe report the smoke. I got matches and some cotton things that I knew would burn and smoke. then I started looking for kindling. I thought I would build a fire in the center of the dirt road. I would also have snow handy in case it started to get out of hand. I opened the hood of my car, to show distress and wrote a note, saying I was stranded and had gone to find firewood.

I felt pretty empowered. I felt I could take care of myself until I could either dig out or someone found me. at least that was my plan. I was meeting a friend up in the ski area. he knew I was never late so I assumed that would also help. the only bad part was I had taken all of these little dirt roads instead of paved. I was really off the map.

I was returning with my 2nd load of wood when a big pickup came up the hill. god, I was so relieved. a man got out, asked if I was ok. as soon as I said yes, he began cleaning my clock for being in such a remote area, by myself in the winter in a dinky little toyota. his wife got out, chiding him for yelling at me. she explained that they had 3 daughters and he was just being ‘a dad’. I was on the verge of tears. I knew I would live and I knew he was right. I felt the emotion I had surpressed starting to surface. I was about 42 and that was a dumb thing to do in the winter. he had a truck built for such things. he hooked a cable to me and pulled me clear. he told me that the road was ‘down’ the rest of the way and I should be fine.

I reloaded my car. I had not been mauled by a mountain lion. I was safe. I was also about 3 hours late. as I got toward the ski area, my friend passed me on the road. he immediately turned around. we stopped. he asked what had happened. I explained. then HE yelled at me.

blabbermouth that he was, soon everyone knew what I had done. it was agreed: I had to get a car phone. I told my boss. he agreed. he was thrilled that I would be easier to reach. he would even pay for it. super.

when I told my boyfriend (who had a car phone) that I was getting one installed, he told me that once I got used to it, I’d wonder how I had lived so long without it. he was right. I was on that phone all the time. such a time-saver. now, I could do things while I was headed to do something else. now, my secretary could catch up with me before I headed in the wrong direction. nirvana.

(I need to digress: for one thing, the phone would not have worked where I was stuck. no cells. too remote. for another thing, we didn’t all know 20 years ago how dangerous it is to use a phone while you are driving. I learned that lesson later.)

now, we all carry a phone with us.

when I was flying, we started training to fly Hong Kong. we were told to accept the fact that the Chinese would all have personal phones. don’t even bother trying to ask them to turn them off. they live on those phones. it was an absolute fact.

many of us are getting rid of our house phones. I admit that I have mine only for emergencies, when a land-line is necessary but it irks me to pay the outrageous fee. I never answer it. never. I use my cell. so, now I have 2 phones. annoying but I put myself here.

trying to be certain you can reach people the minute you need to is a double-edged sword. now, people can reach YOU. I no longer use the phone when I’m driving. I now ‘duck’ the cell phone as often as I used to duck the house phone. between e-mail (which downloads onto my phone) and people knowing exactly how to reach me, I’ve gotten in over my head. what I had once considered a luxury has become a necessity and a nuisance.

I blame that guy in the limo.

I had so many places to go today and my car is acting up so my stress level was a bit higher. I had the opportunity to learn something else from nature and in so doing, relaxed myself completely.

I was driving on a country road, near our home. my attention was taken by what appeared to be a huge flock of ’swifts’. I think that’s what they were. they dive, the soar, they form ‘pictures’ with the shapes they take and they do it all very quickly and perfectly in tandem. I’ll never understand how.

what started as a ‘oh, wow, look….I think those are swifts..’ sort of exercise made me pull over. I sat in my car, watching because they were just so interesting. I would guess it was a flock of about 200 small darting birds. then, I saw it: a hawk. we have several hawks in this area, hunters of a fierce line. I find them to be so beautiful, soaring and floating on air pockets while they watch for prey.

today, the prey was the hawk. I had to turn off the car and get out. I knew my phone camera would never do this justice so I watched and remembered as much as possible.

the swifts were chasing the hawk! they were making life miserable for that hawk. the hawk would soar, riding the energy of the clouds and currents and the swifts were having none of it. one or two small birds make a tasty meal. 200 small birds make a force with which to be reckoned. they made life miserable for that hawk. I actually felt sorry for the predator, rather than the normal prey. they flew at it, they bombed it, they interrupted it’s direction time and again, in perfect unison and quickly. it was amazing to watch.

it made me think of how many times I’ve repeated “united we stand, divided we fall” and, “divide and conquer”. I used those two phrases thousands of times in speech’s I gave for Eastern Airlines‘ Flight Attendants. if you stand ‘en-mass’, you are strong. once someone is able to begin chipping away at the edges of any relationship, it is easily doomed.  it’s awfully difficult to fight 500 instead of 1 or 2. safety in numbers? probably. but, strength and force come from relationships. strong relationships. knowing you have the back of someone and that someone has your back, regardless of the circumstances. you become strong, impossible to break apart.

these tiny birds were not going to give up, to flee, to give in. certain death for some of them would have been the outcome. instead, they banded together, working as a team in tandem, chasing that hawk to another area.

I stood outside my car for about 15 minutes. a man and his dog walked by. I pointed out what I was seeing. he looked up, said, ‘oh, yeah’ and went on his way. I looked after him for a second and realized a woman who was walking her dog had crossed the street just a few feet from me. it took me a while to realize that she crossed, rather than become involved with whatever it was I was doing. a few minutes later I got back into my car and continued my day, completely changed by what I had experienced.  teams. actually, if that man had simply joined me in the beauty in front of us, we would have become a team:  just like that. the woman, had she joined in watching, would have made us a team of 3, and if you count the dogs, a team of 5. commonality is all that is needed. standing with a group to fight off something harmful takes a bunch of guts and committment. I think each time we act on  the possibilty of being a team, regardless of the circumstances, we become stronger. we also learn from the experience. you aren’t as easy to push around and bully when you face a group with a shared goal.

I saw a hawk today that would share my sentiment.

my brother and father used to take off for a week or two every year, around October, to go hunting. it worried me. I love cute animals. I always think in terms of a mom or dad or kid getting shot (animal family). after a few years I realized I was fretting in vain. they rarely hit anything. their hunting trips turned into mini vacations for my step mom and me. we would shop, eat tv dinners, watch girl movies. it was a win-win.

I grew up disliking hunting but accepting hunting. I have lived in so many states, knowing families who hunt for their food. it happens. but, I feel bad for the deer, the beer, the wolf, the large birds. I just do.

last night I couldn’t sleep. I went upstairs looking for something to eat (I said, “I couldn’t sleep”), and noticed all the bugs and insects swirling around my deck light outside. there was so much activity. I always have lights on at night, outside of the house. I feel safer that way and I like seeing what is happening outside.

as I moved into the kitchen, something caught my attention back at the window. I returned to see a tiny green frog on the window, suction feet holding it securely. it was about the size of a quarter. as I looked at it, I saw 2 others, in different locations on my window.

I pulled up a chair. I had to. I sat there for about an hour. it was 1 in the morning, I had nothing else to do. during that hour I saw one teensy frog snag an insect in an instant. that insect had flown all over that little frog. it finally landed on the frog and began working it’s way forward for some dumb reason. the frog barely moved, and the insect was in it’s mouth. I realized I was watching hunting and patience in an artistic mode. the little frogs had all night too. they were in prime hunting territory, under and next to the porch light.  they sat so still that evidently the insects either did not recognize the threat or just forgot they were there.

I got an ice cream sandwich from the freezer and came back to my chair. as I settled, another frog snagged another light-seeking meal. I thought about how much happens during the night while most of us sleep.

I have a bat house. I have bats. I love them. I read once that bats each consume 600 insects an hour. that sounds great to me. sometimes when I can’t sleep, I lie in bed, looking out our large window. the bats are very easy to spot. you think you see a bird but it is a different motion. moving in zig-zag and start-stop movements, diving and swooping. you realize you are watching bats get dinner and get rid of your mosquitoes. I love the show.

the longer I live here, the more hunting I see. I saw a coyote amble across my yard last year, large cat in it’s mouth. It broke my heart. I knew that cat. it spent lots of time in my yard, uninvited, hunting the birds I feed. I hated that too. the owners were new to our area and so many people think cats are fine running free. I disagree. indoor cats have a life span 3 times that of outdoor cats. people out here learn that cats don’t last so long in the country. too many hunters. it was a big cat. bigger coyote. I understood both sides of the issue but am still haunted by the sight of a cat who spent way too much time at my house, sometimes having the nerve to sleep on my deck furniture, driving my indoor cats crazy. I wondered what the owners thought when their cat did not return. I wanted to yell at them about the stupidity and selfishness of letting their pet run amok in everyone’s yard, rather than clean a cat litter box. I kept my thoughts to myself. surely they hated losing their pet. punishment enough. I hope they don’t let their next cat run loose.

Since I stayed up until mid-morning, I decided to run my sprinkler system. it was not working properly so I let it run manually at 4 this morning, giving it 2 hours to complete, just in time for the morning sun to dry leaves and keep my landscape healthy.

Getting up this morning was not easy but it’s Saturday and garage sales and estate sales are at a peak right now in my area. I had promised to meet a friend for coffee and then hit the sales. I made myself get up after only 3 hours in bed, to head out the door for bargains.

I guess we all hunt: we just have different prey.

I wrote the other day (is there really safety in numbers or does that just mean you might get missed?) about a new ‘covey’ of quail, or partridge. it surprised me to see them this late in the year. what I did not fully flesh, was the adolescence of the parents. I was aware that they appeared ‘young’. the headdress was really small, and so were the birds. but, they had about 20 babies.

I saw them today. 3 babies. that’s all. a jolt, absolutely.

it made me think of  ‘kids having kids’. our society is dealing with that in growing numbers.

in the wild, I wonder how the wiser quail would teach the newbies. I wonder if they tell them they don’t understand the responsibility.

I think the newbies just learned. the hard way.

just because your bodies are capable of birthing and creating life, doesn’t mean you are ready.

these two ‘parents’ are now huddled around their 3 precious young constantly. that was what caught my attention today. instead of one being high and the other being ‘with’, they are both on the ground, watching, wary, older. they get it now. I believe they really get it.

I’m almost afraid to look out the window over the next few days. too young is just too young. sometimes it’s hard to teach with anything but consequence.

I’m still watching the partridge. actually, they are ‘gambols quail’, but they have that little ‘headdress’ on top of their heads, and that makes me think quail.

it’s so interesting watching the parents. when I glance out the window and see babies, I look for the parents. one will with be with the group. the other is on a high perch, watching for predators. everyone eats, one is on guard for the group. then, the parents switch places. I find this fascinating.

I think most of us expect marriage to be this way. one guards the kids while the other shows them how to live. both jobs are vital to the lives of the family. nobody has the right to diminish one job as less important. they both matter. the parents must be able to depend on each other for the family to survive.

somehow as a country, I think we are forgetting that.

maybe if they saw a predator swoop in and pluck a kid out, the parents would recognize the importance of each job. in the wild when this happens, everyone carries on. I don’t know how long they grieve but I see that they immediately begin making everyone else safe. sadly, when parents and married couples lose someone dear they often self-destruct. instead of pulling together, they pull apart. such a weak stance. Marriage is a dying institution in our country. it is vitally important, yet forgotten by most.

surely we can do better.

I live in a magical place. I am on an acre of land, in a bright red house (to the immediate chagrin of some neighbors). my land is home to moose, deer, coyotes, owls, partridge, raccoons, skunks, hawks, chipmonks (cutest in the world!), and many types of birds in general. I feed the birds, but not the big guys. we are not supposed to do that. I have seen so much in my 7 years here.
today I saw a new ‘covey’ of quail. I was surprised. made me gasp! it seems late for them to be having babies. the amazing thing is they are SO tiny. they are smaller than a small sized egg. and lots of them. sometimes 22, sometimes 26. but. only for a day or two. the numbers dwindle fast. they are more than fair game to so many predators. I’ve had to learn to just close my eyes and ears. this is the survival that is necessary. within a week, there will be less than 15, probably more like 12. when they ‘graduate’ there will be about 8-10.
the first year I was here, I stood on my balcony, watching a brood (I have no idea what to call these ‘families’) and a huge shadow came across me and the lawn below. honestly I thought an airplane was about to crash on me. it was a hawk. in just a second, it had swooped down, plucked up a little quail baby and headed out. the baby was screaming, the mom was screaming, the rest of the family was screaming. I was screaming. it was horrible. I was so incensed, I grabbed my flip flop off of my foot and threw it at the hawk. the hawk didn’t notice as it took away it’s food.
it took me an hour to find my shoe, in the icky part of the underbrush. lesson learned. you’ve gotta watch out for yourself.  it’s your job. you can only rely on others to a point. they have their own backs to watch.
and don’t throw your shoes. it does no good.