I find myself surrounded lately by people who ‘enable’. What is happening here?

My hairdresser is enabling her son and his family. My younger cousins and nieces, nephews are enabling their children. My great attorney friend enables his kids, who have their own families. And if you ever watch something like ‘super nanny’,  or ‘wife swap’ you see constantly that families are afraid of their own kids, when it comes to discipline.

When that generation matures, who is going to give them this leeway?

I have a tendency to view these things in terms of pets. If you die, who will take care of your pet(s)? Just think for a moment. If you have pets, who will they go to if you are hit by a bus tomorrow? better make those plans. We never know what is coming around the next corner.

I have a friend who cooks her own pet food. I used to feed mine a raw diet. I have other friends who hand-feed their pets each meal. Still others sleep with their pets, sometimes to the detriment of their spouse.

Here is my concern: if you die, will anyone do all that? doubt it. If someone is good enough to take in your pet, they will have done more than enough, giving your beloved pet a warm place to sleep and food when needed. They won’t hand feed, they won’t cook and bake, they won’t chop up raw veggies. Once I began to think of this, I stopped that.

Now, my pets get pet food. Plain and simple. Just like everyone else would give them. if they get a better deal: super. But, if they just get a place to ‘sleep’ and food and water, I don’t want them to have any more agony than they already will, wondering where in the world I am. I think it’s better for my pets. And heaven knows, it  has begun to save me time.  And, not requiring so much from friends who might be kind enough to agree to take my furry babies.

I feel the very same way about kids. If something were to happen to us, who is going to treat your 20 year old as if they were still 6? Who is going to treat your 6 year old as if they were still 2? The world does not revolve around any one of us. It certainly does not revolve around our kids or our pets. I feel as if I am keeping my pets in a low-maintenance  area in their lives, so that if needed, anyone can pick up in my absence. I feel that this is the kind thing, the smart thing, and the right thing to do.

No toleration of yelling, screaming, kicking, complaining, when the world is basically just fine. No refusal to become adults.

My wonderful hairdresser gave her son and his ‘due soon’ baby a place to stay. He brought the wife and the dog. That was 7 years ago. They now have 2 dogs, 2 kids and no money. my hairdresser, in her  60’s is supporting everyone in her retirement home. She has one bedroom, they fill 3. Incredible. She wants them to move. They have said they cannot wait to leave so that they can live life the way THEY choose. But, 7 years and a larger family later, they linger. She is enabling them. why would they leave? They give her 200 bucks a month. The own ¾ of her home. They use everything and she cleans after them. if they get ready to leave, she feels guilty. It’s backwards. She should feel guilty that they have never had to learn to support their own lifestyle. It is heartbreaking.

I used to chop fresh veggies, go to the store daily to get ‘fresh’ meat to add to the food. Nuts. I finally realized one day that if something happened to me, the cats would immediately be on death row or be given a bag of cat food. Unless, of course, I left money in my will for them (I haven’t). I prefer having them get a bag of cat food. Any food will do at that point. Pet  food.

I have a friend whose dog has only slept on the bed it’s entire life. the dog was adorable. Now the dog is huge. I stayed over there once and woke to the dog, on top of me. I was not part of it’s territory. I’m lucky it didn’t tinkle on me to mark territory. I didn’t mind too much. It was only 1 night and I love pets. But, if I inherited that doggie, it would have to learn to sleep on a dog bed or the floor or something. And, if it yelled and screamed for 2 or 3 weeks while it was ‘getting that lesson’, I might not be inclined to bend over backwards for someone’s dog that was not properly raised, doesn’t understand that the humans are alpha and the dogs are not.

Hand feeding? Quit it. Dogs and cats and everything else really CAN take pretty good care of themselves. We get in the way.  and….we are supposed to be teaching our children to interact, to get along, to become self-reliant. Anytime you see a kid blowing up, stop to think just how long a different person would put up with that. nobody does it like enabling parents.

Sleeping with your kid? Nope. I won’t. will your cousin or your brother or sister if they suddenly find themselves with your children because you died? Doubt it. They aren’t used to bending into pretzels because you couldn’t bring yourself to do the right thing.

Why have we found ourselves in a world of people afraid to let kids grow up, become responsible, have pets that understand who is in charge? What in the world happened to the generation that followed one of the greatest?

Ooops. Cat needs cuddles. I hear the screaming. Better go get her.

I am often afraid. I fear so many things that haven’t happened. I fear things that ‘could’ happen. the relationship between the first and the second are huge.  there is the possibility that nothing bad could happen at all. irrational fears.

I am afraid of spiders. I don’t know why. many are so tiny. I try to help them. I know they are afraid of me. then, the bigger ones: ok, I’m frightened to pieces. no clue as to why. I think I am afraid of things that ’scurry’:  mice, rats, big bugs (roaches), spiders, and the like. again, they have never bitten me. I am just uncomfortable. afraid.

but why am I afraid of people? not many people, but certain people doing certain things. why should I fear them?

I am pretty fearless generally. it is not the person I fear, but what that person represents (as my stepdaughter taught me) me (CALL ME ANYTHING). I fear what I cannot predict. how many of us don’t?

of late, I am afraid of my future. I fear being without funding. I have only been that way once in my adult life and I managed by working 7 jobs a week. I was also 38. huge difference. now, I find myself without income and I feel old and withered, fretting about my financial future.

how different from a spider or a rat or mouse is this fear?

I know a wonderful woman. she is frightened to pieces of fire. I will hope to understand that fear before I leave her company. she consistently cuts trees, thinking this will prevent her family from burning. during the time I have known her, she has given way to both of her children leaving the nest, moving onward with their lives. she still fears that fire. she has more than one home. she is constantly cutting trees to prevent the danger of a dwelling being lost to fire. we all watch and feel for her dread. no one person will be able to put that to rest. only her. only this woman can prevent herself from the slashing of trees and shrubs, homes to so much wildlife, because she fears fire.

I’ve known her 10 years. I have yet to learn what was killed, or  lost  in a fire, in her life. I gather she lost something or someone precious. but, maybe it’s an irrational fear.

I fear sharks in the ocean.

I was raised in the ocean. my brother and family swam in the Atlantic and the Gulf for years. at times, our mother would call out to us: “sharks! , be still.  now, come slowly to me.” we learned that sharks were a danger. we were afraid but not terrified. when I saw the movie “JAWS”, I became very frightened. that was different. now, I’m afraid. now I’m frightened. now, I can be terrified.

but that’s me.

don’t we all have something? everyone is afraid of something. we all have our terrors. our worries. it doesn’t matter if they are things or stories or memories. they still frighten us sufficiently. we are afraid.

how interesting that so many of us decide that what one person fears is silly, yet inside we fear something. isn’t it time that we all recognize that everyone has fears and no fear of one person is any less than the fear we carry? personally, I think it’s past time.

it’s STUFF. we all have it. nobody is exempt. without fears, terrorism could not exist.

I don’t know about the rest of the world, but when I get on an airplane, I kiss myself goodby. I say my prayer to my guardians, my family, my loved ones and I put myself into the hands of ‘everlasting hope’. whatever happens after that is whatever happens. I have warned my family that if I were to perish in a plane crash then I was meant to, I decided to, I chose to. because, as a crew member, if I did not get out of a plane, there was a very good reason. I decided I needed to help someone else, I decided my life was over, I decided. yep. I decided.

so, what is your fear? do you acknowledge it? do you try to pretend it doesn’t exist? we all have it. no one person is exempt, no matter their posturing. everyone has fear.

overcoming that fear is a huge step forward.

my fear of sharks dissolved several years ago (that’s another blog). my fear of being left is dissolving now. (I’ll manage) my fear of spiders is a work in progress but I’m gaining on it considerably. i still dont’ like roaches but I realize now how long they have survived and try to acknowledge that as I do my best to kill them, standing as far away as possible. roaches are scary.

I was raised by a cop. I was raised to know things are only black or white. never grey, never beige. black. white. stop means STOP, not slow down. criminals are the enemy. Rules are made to be followed.

you get the point.

my brother and I have borne the brunt of not coloring outside of the lines.

my aunt became a criminal, in her words, several years ago. although she had prepared judiciously for retirement, she could no longer afford her medications. except in Canada. she confessed to me several years ago that she had begun to purchase by mail, across country lines and was therefore, a criminal.

I have many friends who favor the legalization of marijuana. I am in favor too. I think once we legalize it, the government will start taxing the crap out of it, and maybe we can decrease the deficit. and, maybe we won’t have the huge amount of pesticides being imported from Mexico, south america and the like. And maybe we can actually manufacture something in THIS country and not spend money importing. and…medical marijuana has made an impact on many lives. the very lives that would have gleefully prosecuted anyone who smoked pot next door. however, evidently those in great pain, or people who no longer wish to eat even, or people who have true anxiety problems, are benefitted by marijuana. so now, even your granddaddy can be a criminal. In my opinion, pot should be treated the same as alcohol and other drugs. common sense. doesn’t mean criminal.

I just opened something illegal.  I asked someone to get it for me. I knew I would love it. however, I didn’t access it for quite some time. today I did. and I’m proud. and I’m thrilled with my personal freedom. If I am arrested or turned in, I have decided to finally take a public stand and go to trial.

I brought dishwasher soap across the border. ‘cuff me dano’.

I am an environmentalist from way back. our particular state outlawed detergents with certain ‘agents’ in them. women all over this state tried to embrace the new soap. unfortunately, it sucks. it does not get the food off of our dishes. I think it’s probably accurate to say that at least 98% of households have experienced the ‘new environmentally safe dishwasher soap’ because it’s the law. by now, we have all run out of the ‘other dangerous kind’. and, by now the higher majority of households have come to realize that the new stuff doesn’t get our dishes clean. we want to want to use it. it does not do the job we are paying it to do. we are sorry. ‘hands-up!’

my parents used to have a little dog named rocky. my dad always loved pets, especially dogs. he smuggled it into the house pretending it was a gift for our mom. sneaky. my husband did the same thing one Christmas with a toaster.

my dad had no tolerance for anyone’s pet. that was the odd thing. heaven help the pet owner whose pet prints graced any part of my dad’s yard, car, sidewalk. dad would waste few seconds getting to the door to educate the pet owner. now, he had a dog. and he became a criminal.

for several years he took rocky everywhere. he tried valiantly to get his little white poodle into grocery stores, Disney world, busch gardens, movies. you name it, dad had his routine all worked out. carrying the dog straight to a young person he felt he could probably intimate he would suddenly assume that rocky had become invisible. when the employee would hesitantly point out the dog and tell my police officer father that animals were not allowed in the park, movie, airplane, grocery store, hardware store or planetarium, my dad would feign complete astonishment. “you don’t mean HIM, do you?” to the hapless employee, now caught in a web. then the sales job would start. never worked. they feared for their jobs more than they did for a story they probably heard 300 times a day. service animals only, no exceptions. if my dad were allowed to have a pet today, he would have managed to get it certified as a service animal, just to get his way.

poor rocky was the victim here. dad would walk him back to the car, in the summer heat, and leave him there. criminal.

when we were in Alabama for part of his military career, a next-door neighbor commented that he got his cigarettes at the PX. dad was infuriated. the man next door was a civilian. only military personnel can purchase on base. I was not allowed to play with my neighbor’s daughter anymore. somehow, the criminal had rubbed off on the 4th grader.

I have seen people walking their dogs unleashed. I don’t remember when I last lived where there was no leash law. normally, the law says something along the lines of “animal must be under your complete control at all times”. when I walk in our hills, I come across many dogs, loose. you slow down, hoping for a human to round the bend, hoping the dog you’ve just encountered is friendly. once the owner shows, he or she immediately assures you that THEIR precious would never hurt a fly–perhaps just lick you to death. common phrase for the circumstance. if the dog begins jumping on you, they smile and laugh, letting you know that THIS means their precious LIKES you. how lucky is this? your clothes aren’t nearly as important as the acceptance by a random animal, running loose. these people are almost without exception, wonderful people in general. nonetheless, criminals.

I am unable to get my driver’s license renewed. It’s enough to lose my good humor. I started trying about 7 weeks ago. They didn’t like my name. I have a big name. lots of letters and words. Hard for most to spell without asking. And, then I got married. It gave me my 5^th name. holy crap.

When my husband and I got to Oregon, we went to get new licenses. Rule followers. Don’t wanna be criminals. The young lady behind the counter pointed out that our last names were not the same, even though we were obviously married. My husband and I exchanged smiling glances and explained we were newlyweds. When she handed me my license, I was shocked to see that she had added his last name to my license. I didn’t ask. She hadn’t asked. He didn’t ask. She did something criminal. She had no proof I was married. She had no proof my name had changed. She thought she was doing something nice and because of that, I hated to hurt her feelings by asking her to change it. I also hated to hurt my husband’s pride by appearing to refuse his name.

Now, I have no official name changing documents with which to get my drivers license. I had never officially changed my name anywhere. The bureau here required several types of ID. Bear in mind, I was not required to take a test, an eye exam, or do anything other than exchange one license for another. I was surprised because I expected a test. I would happily take one if it meant I could get a license. Because my license said I had an ‘extra’ name, they refused to allow me to be identified. They refused 3 passports, a court ID, a federally issued airline ID, 5 bills mailed to my home, in my name, a letter from the IRS to me, at my listed address, any number of credit cards, my auto insurance card…. Nothing was good enough to get a drivers license. Now, my license has expired. I am driving around with a very flimsy piece of paper, giving me a bit more time. The bureau has informed me that I need to have social security verify my identity, then I can re-start the process. Sounds simple enough but then I thought that the first time I went to get my new driver’s license. Right now I have been made to feel I’m a criminal and although I’ll continue using the dish washing soap, I’m not ready to be identified by the govt division of drivers licensing as a criminal. I’m jumping through hoops just as fast as I can buy them. what scares me so much now is that social security doesn’t think I ever changed my name. so, their record is not going to match this driver’s license. I’m frightened to pieces. Nothing else is ever going to match this Oregon license.

I think dad needs to put me in the car.

I have repeated the platitudes most of my adult life. “Change is good.” one of my favorites for the last 10 or 12 years has been about downsizing when you downsize you end up with the very best. Boy, I have given advice. Now, I am living those scenarios.

I find myself needing to get rid of things. we call it downsizing. I need to sell things. We call that ‘freedom from clutter’. I think of my aunt. she has way too much ’stuff’ and cannot bear to let any of it go in case she needs it later. I completely understand since my apple didn’t fall too far from her tree. but now, it’s my turn.

I will be moving within a year. I need to see different places and things and meet new people. this home I have loved and hoped to live in for many years is now a painful reminder of a marriage ending. time to move. selling isn’t easy; neither my home nor my belongings. I have become addicted to all of it.

as I plan a sale for my collectibles, I have cried and cursed. this isn’t fair. this shouldn’t be happening. why am I selling things when he doesn’t? my list is endless of what he is not doing correctly. doesn’t matter. I still need to sell. I need money. I need to pare down. I need to stop holding onto so many things. I need to lighten my load.

planning this huge sale has been so tiring. It has also proved to be not only emotional but I find myself unable to continue. I have stopped so many times, thinking I just cannot manage to do more. Finally, I began to assess, maybe this is a bad idea. Maybe I am stopped because I shouldn’t start. maybe, maybe, maybe.

I actually (mentally) called the sale off. I had already distributed flyers and started online ads. that meant re-tracing steps to retrieve flyers. yuk. but, as I looked at my treasures, I just could not imagine. and my husband plans to rid himself of nothing, other than me. hmmm…

Friday I stopped cold. no sale. I’ll pull everything back. this is the decision. I cannot let go of more than my marriage. just too much. I’m stopping this.

that was a godsend to me. I took Friday to re-assess. as I looked around the room, at prices on my treasures, I began to think of my future. I won’t have much space. I can’t afford to move as much as I’ve always moved in the past. I DO need to be rid of things, but which things? so I looked with a more critical eye.

I’m 61. I have no income. I will relocate to another state, find  a place to live and go through all the machinations by myself. as I looked at so many things I have held for 20-30 and even 40 years I finally got it. I don’t NEED any of this anymore. I will never want to unpack all of this again. not only will it save me money but it will save me grief and heartache. I need to let go of so many things. this is just the beginning. I can do this. Moreover, I can be proud of myself for not needing so much stuff anymore. yes, I will keep a few treasures. not many tho. I will sell what I’m able and then sell again. I will move into a much smaller place and be happy for having less to unpack. not that most people would be able to tell the difference. I’ll still have way too much stuff. but, a year from this Christmas, when I begin putting things out for my holiday, in my new home, I imagine I will not think too badly about what isn’t there. I’ll be grateful for what I have.

Change.

I wrote once about my cat, Addie. she has always been fearful of strangers and more of men than women.  many visitors to my home have never seen addie. she’s a ’stealth’ cat.

once, my dear aunt dot came to visit me. addie jumped up in her lap, napping along with my aunt, after her long  journey from florida to colorado. when my aunt awakened, she came into  my office and mentioned the black and white cat sleeping with her. I carefully corrected her because naturally addie doesn’t get on ANY lap except mine. I explained to my aunt that it was Throttle, the large white blue-eyed cat.

my aunt, just as carefully, explained to me that the black and white cat, with green eyes had been on her chest while she slept and was still there when she woke from her nap. she was right. addie accepted her the day she arrived. my aunt spent 3 weeks with me. she had recently lost her husband and was grieving. while she was there, addie was never far from her. she was just ‘taken’ with my aunt. it was charming and cute. it made me realize that addie had finally seen someone she knew she needn’t fear. she spent quiet times with my aunt, while I was working.

people have suggested I have a ‘way with animals’. I believe that’s true. for some odd reason, most pets take to me. the better part of this is that I am quite often able to be accepted by wildlife. that stuns me but I appreciate it.

I fed a hummingbird this year, from my hand. I loved that. last year birds began taking seed from my hand.  I’m not suggesting that the wildlife and I are making dresses, ‘a la cinderella or sleeping beauty, but I manage to get pretty close to lots of critters. I do love animals. I wonder if they recognize that like my aunt dot, I am harmless and can be trusted.

sometimes I sit with an injured bird, trying to encourage it to fly. I know it sounds nuts. I know that. but, when that little bird finally flies again, I feel great. and feeling great is never a bad thing.

I had company recently. two wonderful new friends came to spokane.  they had not visited me before, nor had they been to spokane so it was a busy time.  they are both so gentle of nature. nice people.

addie was totally comfortable with them here. she knew my husband for 12 years and was still ‘deciding’ how she felt. these two waltzed in and she just went about her life. they have no idea what a huge thing this is. nobody sees this cat. but, during their brief visit, she ate, she came into rooms with us. it was nothing short of amazing.

sometimes we need to trust. fortunately, many of us learn just how easily we can manage that. it makes the world better. it makes us all better. perception is everything.

I am lucky enough to live where animals are still free. wild animals. the other day we got a report that a cougar was spotted not far from here. when we moved here, I was warned to be careful. so far I’ve had to be careful of horses, racoons, moose, deer, coyotes and a hundred or so bird varieties. I’ve also had to be careful of a few people who would mean me harm.

I haven’t been scared, yet.

but, I still find it interesting to watch the horses down the hill.

not long ago I saw that someone had put a huge earthmover into the pasture. it was big. true to form, the 2 horses were standing by the earthmover, plunked into their territory. you could almost envision the foreman leaning on his shovel, watching workers in the ditch. but, these two horses were curious. they always seem to be curious. they were by the big machine and just giving it a long  ‘once-over’.

I ran some errands. when I was driving back home, I glanced over again. this time the horses had moved, together, to the other side of the big machine. again, they were looking over the thing that had invaded their territory. you had the impression they were discussing the thing, wondering why it was in ‘their house’ and what it was for and how long it would stay.

I am always taken by the ‘herd’ instinct horses have. I don’t think it’s only safety in numbers. I think it’s friendship. horses just seem to be pals with most other horses. I have seen one horse that didn’t like another. the one horse bit the other. they didn’t get along. but, for the most part they seem to want to be together. just like they want to come to the fence to see who has stopped for a visit or to bring a snack. I’ve noticed that when one sleeps, the other stands guard. they know they have safety in numbers.

I live in the country so am able to observe. I also recognize the value of my friends and neighbors. they have become my herd.

I rarely call on anyone for help but I know several of them I can. out here, we have safety in numbers. we all watch for people we don’t know. we call one another when someone comes in or intrudes in our privacy or safety. intrusion is only welcome when we feel safe and in control. there are some people we know better than to trust. like the horses, we won’t go over to the fence when those particular people are near.

once, there was a huge fire, causing mass evacuations. one of my neighbors called me, saying they were packing. I went next door, to a new neighbor, telling her I was leaving. another neighbor was away, calling me to learn how our houses were doing. we all knew we could do very little to stop the progression of the flames. we also knew we could rely on each other to try to maintain our individual safety.

when I returned home the next day, all was well. the horses had been moved but were already back. they seemed to fall right into routine. my neighbors were mostly home. we all got into our routines. that fire was like a huge uninvited guest and we just had to make the best of it.

like the horses, we look at everything new in our world, trying to figure out how long it will be there. we look things over and then return to our routines.

I think it makes us feel safe.

do you ignore your phone when it rings?

I realized about 30 years ago that just because the phone rang, I did not have to answer it. people visiting me were appalled. I felt justified. I paid for the thing, if I had nobody I particularly needed, why should I interrupt whatever I was doing, to answer the phone? it was a blessing. it gave me time. I loved the lesson.

remember when car phones made the scene? I saw my first one when my mom and I had broken down on a highway. a limo pulled over. the rear window ’slid’ down and a wonderfully dressed man asked if we needed help. he had a phone in his hand, connected to something in the car. he was kind enough to call someone for us. he offered to stay but it was obvious he had somewhere else to be. we were grateful.

as the limo pulled back onto the highway my mom commented on how nice that was. then, she turned to me and said “did you see he had his own phone in that car?” we were both agog. it was 1970.

years later I decided I needed to have a car phone. my job was taking more and more time from me and I was living with a pager. I had also taken a bit of flack from 2 male friends. I had been en-route to a ski area, alone, and took a road less traveled. as I topped a hill, my car got stuck. snow slide. HUGE snow slide. I was in the middle of nowhere. as an ex flight attendant, I began to assess the very real possibility of sleeping in my car. the sun was starting to fade.

my biggest fear was a mountain lion. I knew I’d have to keep my windows closed and wondered if I would get too much stale air. I opened my trunk, got out my BIG swiss army knife ( the emergency one) and extra sweaters, hats and socks. I knew it would get really cold. then, I thought about the possibility of a fire. I assumed someone would be on fire-watch and maybe report the smoke. I got matches and some cotton things that I knew would burn and smoke. then I started looking for kindling. I thought I would build a fire in the center of the dirt road. I would also have snow handy in case it started to get out of hand. I opened the hood of my car, to show distress and wrote a note, saying I was stranded and had gone to find firewood.

I felt pretty empowered. I felt I could take care of myself until I could either dig out or someone found me. at least that was my plan. I was meeting a friend up in the ski area. he knew I was never late so I assumed that would also help. the only bad part was I had taken all of these little dirt roads instead of paved. I was really off the map.

I was returning with my 2nd load of wood when a big pickup came up the hill. god, I was so relieved. a man got out, asked if I was ok. as soon as I said yes, he began cleaning my clock for being in such a remote area, by myself in the winter in a dinky little toyota. his wife got out, chiding him for yelling at me. she explained that they had 3 daughters and he was just being ‘a dad’. I was on the verge of tears. I knew I would live and I knew he was right. I felt the emotion I had surpressed starting to surface. I was about 42 and that was a dumb thing to do in the winter. he had a truck built for such things. he hooked a cable to me and pulled me clear. he told me that the road was ‘down’ the rest of the way and I should be fine.

I reloaded my car. I had not been mauled by a mountain lion. I was safe. I was also about 3 hours late. as I got toward the ski area, my friend passed me on the road. he immediately turned around. we stopped. he asked what had happened. I explained. then HE yelled at me.

blabbermouth that he was, soon everyone knew what I had done. it was agreed: I had to get a car phone. I told my boss. he agreed. he was thrilled that I would be easier to reach. he would even pay for it. super.

when I told my boyfriend (who had a car phone) that I was getting one installed, he told me that once I got used to it, I’d wonder how I had lived so long without it. he was right. I was on that phone all the time. such a time-saver. now, I could do things while I was headed to do something else. now, my secretary could catch up with me before I headed in the wrong direction. nirvana.

(I need to digress: for one thing, the phone would not have worked where I was stuck. no cells. too remote. for another thing, we didn’t all know 20 years ago how dangerous it is to use a phone while you are driving. I learned that lesson later.)

now, we all carry a phone with us.

when I was flying, we started training to fly Hong Kong. we were told to accept the fact that the Chinese would all have personal phones. don’t even bother trying to ask them to turn them off. they live on those phones. it was an absolute fact.

many of us are getting rid of our house phones. I admit that I have mine only for emergencies, when a land-line is necessary but it irks me to pay the outrageous fee. I never answer it. never. I use my cell. so, now I have 2 phones. annoying but I put myself here.

trying to be certain you can reach people the minute you need to is a double-edged sword. now, people can reach YOU. I no longer use the phone when I’m driving. I now ‘duck’ the cell phone as often as I used to duck the house phone. between e-mail (which downloads onto my phone) and people knowing exactly how to reach me, I’ve gotten in over my head. what I had once considered a luxury has become a necessity and a nuisance.

I blame that guy in the limo.

I had so many places to go today and my car is acting up so my stress level was a bit higher. I had the opportunity to learn something else from nature and in so doing, relaxed myself completely.

I was driving on a country road, near our home. my attention was taken by what appeared to be a huge flock of ’swifts’. I think that’s what they were. they dive, the soar, they form ‘pictures’ with the shapes they take and they do it all very quickly and perfectly in tandem. I’ll never understand how.

what started as a ‘oh, wow, look….I think those are swifts..’ sort of exercise made me pull over. I sat in my car, watching because they were just so interesting. I would guess it was a flock of about 200 small darting birds. then, I saw it: a hawk. we have several hawks in this area, hunters of a fierce line. I find them to be so beautiful, soaring and floating on air pockets while they watch for prey.

today, the prey was the hawk. I had to turn off the car and get out. I knew my phone camera would never do this justice so I watched and remembered as much as possible.

the swifts were chasing the hawk! they were making life miserable for that hawk. the hawk would soar, riding the energy of the clouds and currents and the swifts were having none of it. one or two small birds make a tasty meal. 200 small birds make a force with which to be reckoned. they made life miserable for that hawk. I actually felt sorry for the predator, rather than the normal prey. they flew at it, they bombed it, they interrupted it’s direction time and again, in perfect unison and quickly. it was amazing to watch.

it made me think of how many times I’ve repeated “united we stand, divided we fall” and, “divide and conquer”. I used those two phrases thousands of times in speech’s I gave for Eastern Airlines‘ Flight Attendants. if you stand ‘en-mass’, you are strong. once someone is able to begin chipping away at the edges of any relationship, it is easily doomed.  it’s awfully difficult to fight 500 instead of 1 or 2. safety in numbers? probably. but, strength and force come from relationships. strong relationships. knowing you have the back of someone and that someone has your back, regardless of the circumstances. you become strong, impossible to break apart.

these tiny birds were not going to give up, to flee, to give in. certain death for some of them would have been the outcome. instead, they banded together, working as a team in tandem, chasing that hawk to another area.

I stood outside my car for about 15 minutes. a man and his dog walked by. I pointed out what I was seeing. he looked up, said, ‘oh, yeah’ and went on his way. I looked after him for a second and realized a woman who was walking her dog had crossed the street just a few feet from me. it took me a while to realize that she crossed, rather than become involved with whatever it was I was doing. a few minutes later I got back into my car and continued my day, completely changed by what I had experienced.  teams. actually, if that man had simply joined me in the beauty in front of us, we would have become a team:  just like that. the woman, had she joined in watching, would have made us a team of 3, and if you count the dogs, a team of 5. commonality is all that is needed. standing with a group to fight off something harmful takes a bunch of guts and committment. I think each time we act on  the possibilty of being a team, regardless of the circumstances, we become stronger. we also learn from the experience. you aren’t as easy to push around and bully when you face a group with a shared goal.

I saw a hawk today that would share my sentiment.

as many people do, I created habits that I need. my keys go in a specific place, my sunglasses, my meds.  I change my sheets every weekend. every morning I fill the birdbaths. I have 8, on an acre of land. the birds, the deer, the chipmunks and lots of things I don’t want to know about, ‘count’ on the water here. I know they would be ok without me but I also realize that for 7 years, they have been able to come to my yard and get water, get bathed, get wet.

when we bought this house, it came with a hot tub. I had considered getting a hot tub in several homes but never did. this hot tub came with the place so I was able to discover what it means to get into an outdoor tub.

I felt vulnerable.

we have lots of privacy here and our hot tub is no exception. I still feel vulnerable.

I learned that birds are the same. they are their most vulnerable when wet. they need to bathe, but they are cautious. they cannot fly well when wet. they bathe, looking for predators the whole time, then fly immediately to a low branch. if the coast is clear, they throw off the water and get their feathers back into place. if danger lurks, they propel themselves further up, out of harm’s way. then, they groom themselves. even when wet, they require themselves to fly, just for an instant, to prevent being caught.

when I get out of the hot tub, I am looking for anything and everything. I do not care to be spotted as I clumsily climb out, up the steps, bent over, down the steps, to my robe and then inside the house.  I am not attractive, as I progress. they fear for their lives. I fear for my vanity.

naturally, I went into the hot tub sans suit. once.  within 2 minutes I heard a car door slam, and there, coming into my backyard was my lawn guy. yep. caught. worse than a bird with wet feathers. I’d have given anything to have feathers. I ducked and used my authority voice to say ’stop!’. the second he saw my bobbing head, he realized. he began backing out, explaining all the way that he had dropped by to check on the sprinkler system. nice of him. I was caught. I have never had the nerve to go naked again.

today, as is my habit, I ran the sprinkler midday. I  do this once a month, to monitor all of the heads, to be sure things are operating properly. things grow, preventing water from reaching other things. ordinarily, the system runs in the very early hours and completes around 6:30, before showers are needed.

as I walked the land, I noticed a large group of birds. they were playing in the sprinkler, next to a birdbath. I was delighted to observe. they were absolutely playing. the birdbath was full but the lawn had more activity.  I sat to watch. they continued playing for about 15 minutes. you could tell they were having a ball.

I stood. they scattered. I hated to cause that but I had work to do.

I knew exactly how they felt.  caught.  I got too close.

I wonder how many ‘beings’  feel vulnerable when wet?  I can think of so many examples.

but that would be a different blog.

friendships vary don’t they? I have learned (I think) that we have a world of ‘givers’ and ‘takers’. I am a giver. I try very hard to support others’ wishes, hopes, dreams, aspirations. I’m the cheerleader type. this is not to say I’m not selfish or set in my ways. I just have a tendency to try to do what others need.

I find myself in a world of takers. I think the two groups are like magnets to each other. givers give and takers take so they find each other and merge. once in a while you find a couple comprised of two givers. they seem to have true peace. it’s just my opinion but as I’m writing this and thinking of people who are married and both are givers, they DO seem really happy. maybe because they have a tendency to volunteer more. maybe because they are naturally supportive so they both get what they need. maybe they see so much more outside of themselves that they get the bigger picture.

I rarely see a couple comprised of two takers. things don’t seem to work that way. one is always waiting for the other to go get them a glass of water or something. when both need to take, who is there to give?

when I reached the age of 25, I took a hard look at my relationships. I was completely subservient in most of my relationships. I had a wonderful friend. I considered her a sister. but, she took from me. she broke her word. she missed occasions. she needed things from me constantly. the last straw for me was when she planned a party at my house, then decided to do something else instead. I was left doing all of the work for people I probably would not have invited over anyway. I cleaned house. not MY house. my friendship house. right after the party. I started doing the famous “T Bar”, looking at what my friends did for me. the list was sad and lacking.

I decided to stop contacting these people. our friendships totally waned. when I next began, one by one, to hear from them, it was a “boy, been a long time. by the way, I was wondering…..” and a request or need would follow. I had a hard time saying NO in those days. I was a people pleaser. I wanted to be liked. I usually gave in, then was angry about my newest committment. I finally got it: this was my fault. my doing. my problem. so then, I began to say NO.

it was a wonderful lesson. and, when I said NO, I learned to give little explanation. just “no, I can’t manage that” and I’d shut up. it was so effective! when I stopped doing all of the things other people needed to have me do, I gained time, relaxation, and life. it was a tonic.

since that year, I started doing a ‘relationship garage sale’ every 5 years or so. I had to because I still attracted takers and loved them. so, I got into a habit of reassessing my relationships. it meant lots of people fell by the wayside. that was difficult for me because they meant so much to me. that made me realize I needed to mean that much to myself.

we often put ourselves last. women are famous for it. it’s the ‘mother thing’. but, I know several men who do the same. no matter who, it is not a good way to live. you have to admit that you matter. if you cannot love yourself, how on earth can you expect someone else to love you? doing things for everyone doesn’t make them like you more. it just tells them that they can control you. it doesn’t come with respect. just expectation.

being a doormat for so much of my life made me change. I can be a real bitch. I try to always be nice. I try to keep in mind that we are all messed up from one thing or another and I try to feel everyone’s pain so that I can be nicer even when they are not.

I think some of us are raised to believe we are a bit better. it’s like the ‘princess syndrome’. some people are so spoiled by their mother or their father that they are not really prepared for life. they are prepared for people to do the icky parts for them so that they can relax. their parents did them no favors. usually those people have a difficult time with relationships. but, I have a difficult time with relationships too. and I’m nice. I do the icky stuff.

it’s hard to peg isn’t it? if you are an only child, you are probably a bit too spoiled for the world. nobody is going to appreciate you ‘quite enough’. but, if you come from a large family, usually the eldest is a demi-god, given too many responsibilities at too young an age. adored with a ‘look what WE created’ mindset. the middle kids are kinda normal, and the youngest is spoiled rotten; the parents realized he or she was ‘it’ for them so they go back to wanting one more wonderful baby, as they started with so many years earlier.

being a giver doesn’t make you right. being a taker doesn’t make you wrong. those traits just make you human. what you decide to do about your humanity is what makes you right or wrong.

I need another T Bar. titled ‘me’.