The winter Olympics made me sick. I remember vividly that they made me sick last time. I can watch the summer Olympics but the winter Olympics just make me sick. Maybe I make myself sick.

I lean, move, and try to jump. I am helping. I am doing my very best to help them bobsled, short-track, race, do moguls. I cannot help myself. I have tried not to lean and move to no avail. Then, I get sick.

I recognize it is a mind/brain issue. I know my eyes have something to do with it too but I get so sick trying to lean into the necessities. Boy it makes me sick. I talked to my brother about it. Turns out he is doing the same thing. Made me wonder how many people in the world are leaning, trying to help, leaning without meaning to help. We just cannot stop leaning, helping. However, for me: it makes me sick. I get nauseous. This time was bad. I’m wondering if it’s my brain injury. It really doesn’t matter. I just know that I get sick to my stomach now. Consequently, I had to stop the program repeatedly, giving myself time to recover. I really did get sick.

My dad’s brain is not working too well all of a sudden. He has no injury. Yet, many people are older and they function fine. He does not. He has good days and he has horrible days. His brain is not working well.

My brother is somewhat ill. Cancer keeps stabbing at his body. He continues to fight it off. He is not as he was, but who of us is? I want to help. I need to help.

One of my dearest friends will not eat. She has been too thin for years and refuses to recognize it. Many of us are not doing as well as we had imagined we would at our respective ages. Illnesses and such were for the old.

We watch these incredible athletes every four years. We remember when we used to ski, to skate, to dare. It’s wonderful. Nevertheless, it really makes me sick. I just cannot continue helping them. I try not to lean. It does not work.

Where I live, my birds have begun to return. I have a wildlife habitat in my back yard and the birdhouses are already filling. It seems early but I am not in charge of the schedule. I had a large hawk here yesterday, hunting. Anytime I walk up on that huge bird, we are both startled. It flies, I watch in awe. Such grace and such deadly ability to take out little animals I am helping hatch.

One of the birds makes a sloppy mess of the birdhouse. I believe this is a Hammond’s Fly Catcher. The nest sticks and straw protrude from the opening in the birdhouse. The first year they were with me, I noticed the ‘mess’ and pulled those strands out, making the opening more tidy. It was only for me. I did not give a thought to the bird. I did not want it to look unkempt. The next morning, the sticks and straw were again sticking out of the opening. I got the point. A friend of mine mentioned the very same thing in one of her houses. We both realized that this is a trait and we need to stay out of the nesting ritual. I know the birds are back because suddenly I have sticks and straw making obvious notice in the birdhouse. I walk past, refusing to touch anything. I barely glance.

They don’t need my help. Neither do those golden athletes. Sometimes I have to sit on myself to leave things alone. This is not my job, is not my business, and is not my niche.

A friend of mine cannot let her garden be natural. Anyone who knows me, realizes I am a fan of cottage gardening. My flowers and grasses are sprouting hither and yon. I love the carefree idea. She cannot live with that. She could not let foliage die. She had to cut it so it would look better. Cutting tulip leaves and daffodil leaves will cause less growth for the next season. Soon she had no flowers. Remember that ad: “don’t fool with mother nature”? It’s true. We need to learn to leave things alone. Sometimes that is too much for many of us.

So, as my dad’s brain continues to misfire and my brother has his battles, the birds and the deer and everything wild will do pretty well. They don’t concern themselves with much of anything except survival. They will eat as needed to fuel themselves. In their world, you are not too fat. You just ARE.

In the world of flowers and grasses, they will overgrow and the weaker will not. In my world of the Olympics, the summer is good; the winter is difficult. I still try to help.

It makes me sick.

we are all so busy. it’s that time of year. holidays bring more and we all react. Re-act. good word. We aren’t quite ourselves if we ‘re-act’ are we? so many expected examples, traditions, and issues.

I have bats living above my bedroom, in a crack in the roofline. I like what bats do. I dislike what people still believe about bats. I was raised to believe that bats would swoop down into my hair if I were walking in a field at dusk. odd. yet, people believed that. I do realize that bats are some of the most voracious insect eaters on the planet. our chemicals are destroying them. they are becoming endangered. like butterflies, which we love, they and bumblebees, which we require, are being destroyed by the chemicals we use in our landscape.

the nights I can’t sleep, I turn toward my bedroom window and hope to watch bats, zipping around, and catching insects. I know that mosquitoes will not be biting the next day. I enjoy watching them swoop, stop on a dime and swoop in a different direction, catching their prey. I find it interesting.

I’m waiting for the moose to amble into my yard. they always come in the winter. I am awed by their size. opposite of  bats, the moose seem to just destroy my landscape because they are enormous and will eat anything they reach. they reach very well. but, because they are moose, they are forgiven being so incredible in size and not so often seen. and, moose are rarely said to dive at your head at dusk.

then I have that damned skunk. she (yes, I know) comes regularly now. when I was still an idiot, I tried to run her off one afternoon. you don’t do that twice. she comes in the evening. she eats fallen birdseed, next to my hedge. she began digging a hole. I put a stop to that. I do not want a den of skunks. they are hard to shed. and, in most states, it’s against the law to kill them. I am not the type to kill animals. I am more interested in trying to shoo them away. I’ve tried most things with this skunk. she scoffs at my efforts. cute, but not welcome. nor is the raccoon.

that’s the point, isn’t it? things we love and things we don’t. some are welcome, some are not.

traditions are welcome. the strife that comes along, not so much. family, always welcome. typical fights, no. trying to make things ‘just so’ because people are visiting: don’t. it’s just too much stress and reaction.

I remember one evening at my folks’ house. we had almost the entire family visiting. 3 brothers, 2 sisters, spouses, 2 nephews, one niece. I walked into the kitchen to put dishes away from the deck. we had just finished an incredible dinner. when I came in, my mom was madly scooping cookie dough onto sheets, ready to slam into the oven. the look on her face as I walked in was almost terror. I’ve never forgotten it. she was scooping about 15 per minute, it seemed. I offered to help. She tersely said “no, and don’t’ you DARE tell anyone I’m making cookies”. I went back outside. I knew the tension. she wanted this to be fun and easy and obviously it was nothing similar. she was frantic.

when she presented the cookies, on adorable trays, napkins ready, she was beaming and would not look at me. it was too much knowledge. she wanted it to ‘happen to be perfect’. I’ve never lost that lesson. it’s ok to just be ‘ok’. it’s fine to just relax and let people gather, laugh and pitch in. you don’t have to do it all.

so I am starting to decorate for Christmas. I learned yesterday that Christmas is a week from now. ooops. I’ve had no clue. my mind is clouded with so many things. I just knew it was ’sometime’ and thought I might actually decorate. I was planning to put lights out this weekend. well, I’m not doing THAT now. good grief. by the time I get them up, it’s time to take them down. I have lost track. I don’t have time to react. I had also realized this is my last year in this wonderful home and setting. that makes me sad. that made me decide to really do one last Christmas so I wouldn’t regret it later. ohwell. traditions change. I will make Christmas in my next house and be just fine.

so, while I watch the bats, shoo the skunk and wait for the moose, I realize that everything is really ok. I am not going to change the axis of our planet by what I do or don’t. the big wheel keeps on turning.

I have sworn off the stricken look I saw that night in my mother’s eyes. I have sworn off the rush and need of a calendar. I do things because I enjoy them, not because it’s expected. expected by me or expected by others. they are the same. I need to keep specific appointments, medical appointments, and lunch with friends. not much else is really that important. when I begin to work again I’ll keep those appointments as well. otherwise, I am now on ‘alexa time’ and the living is really not so bad.

I have more time to act.

This season mostly cars and coyotes have hit the deer hard. as more and more housing is pushed onto former farmland, too many cars are on the road where once a slow country road existed.

I have always enjoyed watching the wildlife in my yard. It’s such a treat to be able to observe so many things and learn from nature.

a few weeks ago a neighbor called me. as we chatted she said, “I’ve seen too many dead bambi’s this year, hit by cars down our hill.” I concurred and we wondered aloud how the mother deer cope when this happens. oddly, you don’t really put our emotions into wildlife. they are animals. they are wild. they don’t talk to us about feelings so I guess we often decide they don’t have feelings, other than physical pain.

this season we had 2 moms with new babies. a young doe who had one bambi and another doe, a year older, who had twins. I’ve written about watching the babies all play and challenge each other in my yard, mom’s letting them get the lessons they will need, but close enough to protect if necessary.

one day, all of us noticed another young bambi, lying beside the road, hit by a car. you can’t help but feel sad. the deer were always here. the builders have put up fences, forcing the deer onto a curved road, on a hill. a recipe for disaster and disaster is met repeatedly.

we wondered to whom the bambi belonged. I learned very quickly that our doe that only had the one baby this year was now alone. that was difficult. what I watched unfold made it worse. the doe who had the twins would not allow this young mother to be around now. whereas they used to all be in the yard together, now the mom with the twins would run the other doe away. I felt so bad for that mom who had just lost her bambi.

putting my emotions into a wild animal. I know better. I admit freely that I have no clue if the mom even remembers her baby was killed. I have no clue.

watching this kept haunting me. finally, I realized I was remembering a mean neighbor from my childhood. she was just plain unpleasant. I told my mom about her and my mom just told me to ignore the woman but to stay out of her yard so she wouldn’t have any reason to complain. all of the kids in the neighborhood knew she was a meanie. we talked about her as we passed her house, some of the boys were taunting, showing they were brave.

we heard that she was pregnant. Well, that seemed weird. she hated kids; why would she want to  be a mother? this turn of events completely stymied our innocence. a few months later I overheard my mom talking to another neighbor. they were planning to take some food over to this ladies’ house. that night my mom explained that the woman had miscarried. I really didn’t comprehend that, I was in 5th grade. my mom explained that the neighbor wasn’t pregnant anymore and that actually her baby had died. then she told me more: this was the 4th time this same lady had lost a baby. my mom told me that several of our neighbors kept their distance from this woman over the years and that bothered my mother. she explained that sometimes when someone in your life has severe heartache, people pull away. almost as if you can ‘catch’ that heartache if you get too close.

everyone felt sorry for her but I was still angry over the way she had treated me and my friends for over a year. why would she want kids if she was mean to all of them?

my mom became a friend to this neighbor. she told me later to always try to look inside people more, to understand why they act the way that they do. she told me that I would probably find a really good reason and it was probably something to do with personal pain.

the neighborhood rallied to this neighbors side. they took turns bringing food because she was still in bed. it turned out that she would not have the opportunity ever again to have a baby. everyone felt sad about her pain. everyone did things to try to comfort her and her husband. when she finally began to venture out, the neighborhood went out of their way to encourage her. through such severe pain she gained friendships and support she had missed before. my mom said people were feeling guilty, trying to make up for their attitudes toward this lady for so many years. sometimes pain brings people closer, even though that pain is what pushed them away in the first place.

I thought about her over the years, wondering how her life turned out. again, I was a kid, still learning that not everyone has a baby just because they plan.

yesterday I saw the doe. as I watched, I saw one bambi. I went onto my deck, looking for the other. they can hide so easily. then I saw another deer. I still saw no bambi. just the one, missing the twin. that was when I realized that we had lost another bambi. I’d been hearing lots of coyotes the last couple of nights. this disturbed me so much that I stayed on my deck for about 15 mins but the twin never showed.

today I saw the doe again, with the lone bambi. I saw the other doe too. I watched because she had not been allowed in the yard since she lost her baby. now I had 3 deer, one a baby and 2 adults. as I watched, both of the mothers began to walk toward the bambi. I knew someone was in for it. then, together, the two older deer began to wash and groom the little ‘left-over’ bambi. both of them. I was astonished. somehow there was no longer animosity between these two mothers. I continued to watch, mesmerized. then, the bambi began to lick the mom, then the ‘other mom’. it was beautiful. the three survivors. I no longer knew which mom was which.

maybe the mom who had the twins had been threatened by the mom whose baby was lost. I don’t have any way of  knowing. you can’t put human emotions onto wildlife. I just know that today, the two moms who had lost a child each were able to co-exist again.  I guess it was their way of bringing food over to the house, offering comfort and support.

sometimes it takes true pain to give birth to friendship. sometimes you feel it’s ok to allow someone in if they have suffered in a way you can understand. of course, you can’t give human feelings to wildlife.

I wrote once about my cat, Addie. she has always been fearful of strangers and more of men than women.  many visitors to my home have never seen addie. she’s a ’stealth’ cat.

once, my dear aunt dot came to visit me. addie jumped up in her lap, napping along with my aunt, after her long  journey from florida to colorado. when my aunt awakened, she came into  my office and mentioned the black and white cat sleeping with her. I carefully corrected her because naturally addie doesn’t get on ANY lap except mine. I explained to my aunt that it was Throttle, the large white blue-eyed cat.

my aunt, just as carefully, explained to me that the black and white cat, with green eyes had been on her chest while she slept and was still there when she woke from her nap. she was right. addie accepted her the day she arrived. my aunt spent 3 weeks with me. she had recently lost her husband and was grieving. while she was there, addie was never far from her. she was just ‘taken’ with my aunt. it was charming and cute. it made me realize that addie had finally seen someone she knew she needn’t fear. she spent quiet times with my aunt, while I was working.

people have suggested I have a ‘way with animals’. I believe that’s true. for some odd reason, most pets take to me. the better part of this is that I am quite often able to be accepted by wildlife. that stuns me but I appreciate it.

I fed a hummingbird this year, from my hand. I loved that. last year birds began taking seed from my hand.  I’m not suggesting that the wildlife and I are making dresses, ‘a la cinderella or sleeping beauty, but I manage to get pretty close to lots of critters. I do love animals. I wonder if they recognize that like my aunt dot, I am harmless and can be trusted.

sometimes I sit with an injured bird, trying to encourage it to fly. I know it sounds nuts. I know that. but, when that little bird finally flies again, I feel great. and feeling great is never a bad thing.

I had company recently. two wonderful new friends came to spokane.  they had not visited me before, nor had they been to spokane so it was a busy time.  they are both so gentle of nature. nice people.

addie was totally comfortable with them here. she knew my husband for 12 years and was still ‘deciding’ how she felt. these two waltzed in and she just went about her life. they have no idea what a huge thing this is. nobody sees this cat. but, during their brief visit, she ate, she came into rooms with us. it was nothing short of amazing.

sometimes we need to trust. fortunately, many of us learn just how easily we can manage that. it makes the world better. it makes us all better. perception is everything.

I am lucky enough to live where animals are still free. wild animals. the other day we got a report that a cougar was spotted not far from here. when we moved here, I was warned to be careful. so far I’ve had to be careful of horses, racoons, moose, deer, coyotes and a hundred or so bird varieties. I’ve also had to be careful of a few people who would mean me harm.

I haven’t been scared, yet.

but, I still find it interesting to watch the horses down the hill.

not long ago I saw that someone had put a huge earthmover into the pasture. it was big. true to form, the 2 horses were standing by the earthmover, plunked into their territory. you could almost envision the foreman leaning on his shovel, watching workers in the ditch. but, these two horses were curious. they always seem to be curious. they were by the big machine and just giving it a long  ‘once-over’.

I ran some errands. when I was driving back home, I glanced over again. this time the horses had moved, together, to the other side of the big machine. again, they were looking over the thing that had invaded their territory. you had the impression they were discussing the thing, wondering why it was in ‘their house’ and what it was for and how long it would stay.

I am always taken by the ‘herd’ instinct horses have. I don’t think it’s only safety in numbers. I think it’s friendship. horses just seem to be pals with most other horses. I have seen one horse that didn’t like another. the one horse bit the other. they didn’t get along. but, for the most part they seem to want to be together. just like they want to come to the fence to see who has stopped for a visit or to bring a snack. I’ve noticed that when one sleeps, the other stands guard. they know they have safety in numbers.

I live in the country so am able to observe. I also recognize the value of my friends and neighbors. they have become my herd.

I rarely call on anyone for help but I know several of them I can. out here, we have safety in numbers. we all watch for people we don’t know. we call one another when someone comes in or intrudes in our privacy or safety. intrusion is only welcome when we feel safe and in control. there are some people we know better than to trust. like the horses, we won’t go over to the fence when those particular people are near.

once, there was a huge fire, causing mass evacuations. one of my neighbors called me, saying they were packing. I went next door, to a new neighbor, telling her I was leaving. another neighbor was away, calling me to learn how our houses were doing. we all knew we could do very little to stop the progression of the flames. we also knew we could rely on each other to try to maintain our individual safety.

when I returned home the next day, all was well. the horses had been moved but were already back. they seemed to fall right into routine. my neighbors were mostly home. we all got into our routines. that fire was like a huge uninvited guest and we just had to make the best of it.

like the horses, we look at everything new in our world, trying to figure out how long it will be there. we look things over and then return to our routines.

I think it makes us feel safe.

do you ignore your phone when it rings?

I realized about 30 years ago that just because the phone rang, I did not have to answer it. people visiting me were appalled. I felt justified. I paid for the thing, if I had nobody I particularly needed, why should I interrupt whatever I was doing, to answer the phone? it was a blessing. it gave me time. I loved the lesson.

remember when car phones made the scene? I saw my first one when my mom and I had broken down on a highway. a limo pulled over. the rear window ’slid’ down and a wonderfully dressed man asked if we needed help. he had a phone in his hand, connected to something in the car. he was kind enough to call someone for us. he offered to stay but it was obvious he had somewhere else to be. we were grateful.

as the limo pulled back onto the highway my mom commented on how nice that was. then, she turned to me and said “did you see he had his own phone in that car?” we were both agog. it was 1970.

years later I decided I needed to have a car phone. my job was taking more and more time from me and I was living with a pager. I had also taken a bit of flack from 2 male friends. I had been en-route to a ski area, alone, and took a road less traveled. as I topped a hill, my car got stuck. snow slide. HUGE snow slide. I was in the middle of nowhere. as an ex flight attendant, I began to assess the very real possibility of sleeping in my car. the sun was starting to fade.

my biggest fear was a mountain lion. I knew I’d have to keep my windows closed and wondered if I would get too much stale air. I opened my trunk, got out my BIG swiss army knife ( the emergency one) and extra sweaters, hats and socks. I knew it would get really cold. then, I thought about the possibility of a fire. I assumed someone would be on fire-watch and maybe report the smoke. I got matches and some cotton things that I knew would burn and smoke. then I started looking for kindling. I thought I would build a fire in the center of the dirt road. I would also have snow handy in case it started to get out of hand. I opened the hood of my car, to show distress and wrote a note, saying I was stranded and had gone to find firewood.

I felt pretty empowered. I felt I could take care of myself until I could either dig out or someone found me. at least that was my plan. I was meeting a friend up in the ski area. he knew I was never late so I assumed that would also help. the only bad part was I had taken all of these little dirt roads instead of paved. I was really off the map.

I was returning with my 2nd load of wood when a big pickup came up the hill. god, I was so relieved. a man got out, asked if I was ok. as soon as I said yes, he began cleaning my clock for being in such a remote area, by myself in the winter in a dinky little toyota. his wife got out, chiding him for yelling at me. she explained that they had 3 daughters and he was just being ‘a dad’. I was on the verge of tears. I knew I would live and I knew he was right. I felt the emotion I had surpressed starting to surface. I was about 42 and that was a dumb thing to do in the winter. he had a truck built for such things. he hooked a cable to me and pulled me clear. he told me that the road was ‘down’ the rest of the way and I should be fine.

I reloaded my car. I had not been mauled by a mountain lion. I was safe. I was also about 3 hours late. as I got toward the ski area, my friend passed me on the road. he immediately turned around. we stopped. he asked what had happened. I explained. then HE yelled at me.

blabbermouth that he was, soon everyone knew what I had done. it was agreed: I had to get a car phone. I told my boss. he agreed. he was thrilled that I would be easier to reach. he would even pay for it. super.

when I told my boyfriend (who had a car phone) that I was getting one installed, he told me that once I got used to it, I’d wonder how I had lived so long without it. he was right. I was on that phone all the time. such a time-saver. now, I could do things while I was headed to do something else. now, my secretary could catch up with me before I headed in the wrong direction. nirvana.

(I need to digress: for one thing, the phone would not have worked where I was stuck. no cells. too remote. for another thing, we didn’t all know 20 years ago how dangerous it is to use a phone while you are driving. I learned that lesson later.)

now, we all carry a phone with us.

when I was flying, we started training to fly Hong Kong. we were told to accept the fact that the Chinese would all have personal phones. don’t even bother trying to ask them to turn them off. they live on those phones. it was an absolute fact.

many of us are getting rid of our house phones. I admit that I have mine only for emergencies, when a land-line is necessary but it irks me to pay the outrageous fee. I never answer it. never. I use my cell. so, now I have 2 phones. annoying but I put myself here.

trying to be certain you can reach people the minute you need to is a double-edged sword. now, people can reach YOU. I no longer use the phone when I’m driving. I now ‘duck’ the cell phone as often as I used to duck the house phone. between e-mail (which downloads onto my phone) and people knowing exactly how to reach me, I’ve gotten in over my head. what I had once considered a luxury has become a necessity and a nuisance.

I blame that guy in the limo.

A friend of mine and I have started a food share project. it’s working wonderfully. once a week, one of us goes to the other’s home, with a home-made ’something’. last time I had made chicken. since I was making it, I made quite a bit. I also made a great, fresh fruit salad. lots. so, on that day, I took 4 large, stuffed chicken breasts and a big container of fruit salad.

she had made some wonderful bread and a casserole, mexican inspired dish. she gave me bread and half of the casserole. we both got 2 meals from each offering, plus what we had already made. our week of dining was so easy. just zap a side dish, if needed. I enjoyed my fresh fruit salad. I have been making 2 of them each month. just enough that it always tastes great and I don’t get tired of it. but, if I’m gonna  wash and cut up that fruit, I might as well make ‘extra’. since she felt like making bread, she made extra loves. the bread was just great. the casserole was something I normally don’t put together so it was a neat change for me. she absolutely went nuts over the chicken and although I had enough for 2 meals on my own, this kept it from getting boring.

the next week we planned our exchange. I made a pork roast. just about 4 pounds. not big, not teensy. I had some fresh tomatoes so used them in a mozzarella and basil (also fresh) salad. I took the oil in a container. I had bought a watermelon so cut it in half. when I got to her place, she had made potatoes au gratin. neat! goes perfectly with pork. she had also made home-made black-eyed peas. again, perfect.

I gave her half of the roast. I got a huge batch of potatoes, she got a fresh salad, I got some yummy peas and she had made a pie. I took 2 large slices.

this is working for us. it’s working very well. we get more variety in our food, we have much less waste and we are both getting a break from cooking every night. if you make something, making extra is simple. we have learned to e-mail and be certain of allergies, hated food items and the like. so far, it has been a great experience and a huge help with meal planning.

she has recently moved into a new home. she asked me one day how I attract so many birds and squirrels. to those of us who do this, the squirrels are easiest to get and hardest to deter but she wanted squirrels because she enjoyed watching them raid my birdfeeders. she loves the little chipmunks too. I told her which seed attracts the types she wants and she is having good luck.

another neighbor told her not to put so many nuts out for the squirrels. now, my friend takes a handful out each day. she says the squirrels hear the door open and come running. if she overfeeds them, they take the nuts to bury. again, if you have been through this you already know that a squirrel will rarely, if ever, find the peanut it so judiciously buried. I actually thought I was growing peanuts at one house because I kept finding them in my flowerbed. it took me a while to catch on that they were not growing, they were hiding.

if the squirrels have more food than they want at the moment, they will probably put it away. sometimes they get it back, sometimes they don’t.

I think that happens at my house. if I wrap something to eat later, sometimes I end up wasting it. probably because I have already eaten it and now it has lost it’s allure. but, something new and different, just enough for a meal right now, maybe a snack later, is perfect.

I don’t waste as many nuts.

I live in the country. I live with lots of wildlife allowing me to observe things I used to give little thought, as I hurried through my life.

Hanging a new birdhouse or putting out nesting materials in the spring is a ritual. I have been here 7 years and my houses fill. I have also learned that patience is required for this. Newer houses seem to be ’suspect’. Moreover, some houses are in the wrong place. Who knew? Some have the dreaded ‘perch’ outside the entry hole and many birds will not nest there until I break that away.

Some houses have to be especially high, some lower, some on a perch or post do better, and some must be part of a tree but not with a branch right in front of the hole. The list can be daunting for someone as ‘involved (as opposed to anal)’ as I.

I am planning a move. I find the thought somewhat unbearable but a necessity. I have no clue where I am going. This does not frighten me. Only the home purchase money frightens me.

House hunting is not for weenies. It is huge. Incredibly time-consuming. my husband found a house for his family quickly when he lived in Colorado. He basically said “that’ll do” and bought a place. I have to ‘feel’ my house. I have to. I can make a realtor drink, over-eat or give up on religion, in the quest. I usually go for 10-13 homes per day, all pre-qualified to a point. I am on the hunt and I cannot stop until I find THE house.

I have been very lucky. The internet has helped considerably. I hope that this will help me with my next house hunt.

Meanwhile, I have to move another birdhouse. I have learned that it is facing the wrong direction for a finch and needs to be just a bit higher. The idea of which ones I’ll remove to take with me on my journey weighs heavily on my mind. However, right now, the house is wrong for the finch.

Guess I’m not the only one.

as many people do, I created habits that I need. my keys go in a specific place, my sunglasses, my meds.  I change my sheets every weekend. every morning I fill the birdbaths. I have 8, on an acre of land. the birds, the deer, the chipmunks and lots of things I don’t want to know about, ‘count’ on the water here. I know they would be ok without me but I also realize that for 7 years, they have been able to come to my yard and get water, get bathed, get wet.

when we bought this house, it came with a hot tub. I had considered getting a hot tub in several homes but never did. this hot tub came with the place so I was able to discover what it means to get into an outdoor tub.

I felt vulnerable.

we have lots of privacy here and our hot tub is no exception. I still feel vulnerable.

I learned that birds are the same. they are their most vulnerable when wet. they need to bathe, but they are cautious. they cannot fly well when wet. they bathe, looking for predators the whole time, then fly immediately to a low branch. if the coast is clear, they throw off the water and get their feathers back into place. if danger lurks, they propel themselves further up, out of harm’s way. then, they groom themselves. even when wet, they require themselves to fly, just for an instant, to prevent being caught.

when I get out of the hot tub, I am looking for anything and everything. I do not care to be spotted as I clumsily climb out, up the steps, bent over, down the steps, to my robe and then inside the house.  I am not attractive, as I progress. they fear for their lives. I fear for my vanity.

naturally, I went into the hot tub sans suit. once.  within 2 minutes I heard a car door slam, and there, coming into my backyard was my lawn guy. yep. caught. worse than a bird with wet feathers. I’d have given anything to have feathers. I ducked and used my authority voice to say ’stop!’. the second he saw my bobbing head, he realized. he began backing out, explaining all the way that he had dropped by to check on the sprinkler system. nice of him. I was caught. I have never had the nerve to go naked again.

today, as is my habit, I ran the sprinkler midday. I  do this once a month, to monitor all of the heads, to be sure things are operating properly. things grow, preventing water from reaching other things. ordinarily, the system runs in the very early hours and completes around 6:30, before showers are needed.

as I walked the land, I noticed a large group of birds. they were playing in the sprinkler, next to a birdbath. I was delighted to observe. they were absolutely playing. the birdbath was full but the lawn had more activity.  I sat to watch. they continued playing for about 15 minutes. you could tell they were having a ball.

I stood. they scattered. I hated to cause that but I had work to do.

I knew exactly how they felt.  caught.  I got too close.

I wonder how many ‘beings’  feel vulnerable when wet?  I can think of so many examples.

but that would be a different blog.

ok. this is gonna ‘ick me out’ to even mention, but my brother keeps saying I should write about it so if I find I can’t get this done, I’ll get a drink and try again.

it’s the SPIDER STORY.

I lived in Orlando, Florida for a few years, when I was still flying for Eastern. My brother, Larry, came to visit. I had my beloved Firebird (big engine, ohhhh momma!) and we planned a trip to Gainesville to visit our family there.

we started early one morning. As I began to merge onto the interstate, I looked over my left shoulder for traffic and something caught my eye in my peripheral vision on my right.  No time to look because we were driving at about 60, merging, and I had to watch traffic. but, I also became aware of Larry. Something about him also got my attention. when I was able to look forward again, I saw Larry leaning about as far backward as someone could lean, and somehow looking ’small’. as I looked over at him, still gaining speed secure in my lane, I saw it:  the biggest, most fierce-looking spider I have EVER seen. it was on the console between larry and me. by now, larry was also leaning against his door. I wasn’t positive he wouldn’t open it and bail. this spider was enormous and looking for his next perch. when I realized my screaming had gotten his attention, I started getting off of the interstate, RIGHT NOW. larry started yelling, not at the spider circumstance, but at my sudden high-speed departure from the road.

in the airline industry we have a mantra:  I’ll fly the plane, you fight the fire. I am certain there is one similar for aiming your rocket ship down the freeway at high speeds. but, larry was trying to drive and I was trying to get out of the damned car. the spider had both of us completely under it’s control.

I DID get off of the expressway. immediately. you are not allowed to pull over on the side of the expressway unless it is an emergency. it was.

larry is yelling at me (within his rights; I had just put both of us in jeopardy when I evacuated the car). I am NOT getting back into the car. we are on the side of the expressway, cars blazing past us, horns blowing. I was NOT getting back into the car. I had pulled us right against a railing so I would have room to get out. that prevented larry from being able to open his door. now, I knew why he was yelling. he couldn’t get out.

I got back into the car. I had no choice. it is one of my bravest moments. I took the exit closest and saw a convenience store. I did a four wheel drift getting into the lot. I bailed before the car stopped. I told larry the trip was off. I was NOT getting back into that car for a 4 hour drive. oddly, my door was not the only one flung open in haste.

our machinations caught the attention of a highway patrolman. bless his heart. he had no idea what he was getting himself involved in.  he asked what the problem was and I started screaming that I was NOT getting back into the car. it hadn’t occured to me how this might present itself. a big guy (larry), an obviously upset (beautiful, enticing, brilliant), young woman, and I think the cop wondered if I was in danger. it took a while for the seriousness to hit home. he realized I was not getting back into the car. we all three went into the store and bought bug spray. I was not the least bit convinced that the spider wouldn’t take the can and beat us all to death with it. this was a HUGE spider.

larry sprayed everywhere we considered that the spider might have gone. under seats, behind things, in the trunk, in case he found access. I was not moved. when I refused to get back into the car, the cop took over. he sprayed. he sprayed. he sprayed more. he emptied the can of bug spray into my car and closed the door. I remained stoic. I did not believe for one instant that we had done anything more than annoy this spider. the car was cloudy, covered in poison. I knew the spider lived. I knew it.

incredibly, they convinced me to get back into the car. I cared less about all the poison we had just injected than the health of that enormous spider. after a bit of time, with the cop there, I was coerced back into the car. I did, however, refuse to drive. I made it very clear that when the spider next showed itself, I would be getting out of the car.

everyone agreed. the car had cleared a bit. we got inside. I was tense as a piano wire. rigid with fear. unconvinced. ready to give the car away.

as larry got behind the wheel, he took my hair bands from me (where my ponytail had been) and put one on each leg, holding his pants tight, then put his sox over and secured the hair band. uh huh. and he was trying to convince me that he thought this creature was dead.

we began our drive again. departure #3.

as we arrived in Gainesville, the spider showed itself. I got out of the car. then, larry pulled over. we started all over again. I was terrified. he convinced me one more time to get into the car. we were almost at our folks’ house. I got things out of my luggage, covered my hair, my hands, my arms, legs and feet. not that I wasn’t going to get out of the car anyway, but I was going to get out of the car while I stripped. I don’t know when I have been more frightened. honestly. this spider was so big. larry and I still talk about how big this thing was. larry is a 2 time ‘nam vet. he was afraid. hell, he was terrified.

when we pulled onto my parents land, I was already out. the folks were trying to make sense of how upset I was and why I was leaving the car in Gainesville. I meant it. I was NOT taking that car anywhere. our step dad said we would (WE? don’t think so) spray the car, keep it closed overnight, let it sit in the sun and the spider would expire. dad did not know this spider. he sprayed. he emptied the can. I watched to be sure he was thorough. car closed, in the florida sun, we went inside. I had no plan to take the car. not gonna happen.

the next morning we all went out. I explained to them that unless we found the body, I was not taking the car. we did not find a body. everyone but me was convinced the spider was dead. I was not getting into the car.

we went to a nearby store, dad bought a bug bomb. what a great guy. how many dads would go through all of this? but, I think he and mom had talked the night before about the obvious fact that I was leaving my car.  they needed a solution. he set the bug bomb off in the car, closed it up. it’s in the hot florida sun. we went about our day.

the next morning, hearing that unless I found a body I wasn’t taking the car, we went out to inspect. there, in the back window was the biggest damned spider body I’ve ever seen. I was the only one not surprised to realize that until then, nothing had impacted it. 3 cans of bug spray. 1 bug bomb. lots of heat. no escape. it had lived through all but the last. even our folks were surprised at the size of the thing. it had kinda ‘curled up’ and was still enormous. ‘deck of cards’ enormous. we all stood. nobody but our dad was willing to remove the body. not even my 2 time ‘nam vet big brother. nope. we stood aside and let dad have the honors. he used several kleenex.

for that reason, I decided to keep the car. we cleaned it and cleaned it. god knows it was worse than an asbestos site by then.

the ride home was tense and quiet. larry drove. I was still on edge. I got us headed north instead of south. I had made that drive so many times, but my mind wasn’t on it.

the spider ghost lived on.